bts x jungkook oneshots <3

don't let it all fall down.

contains description of suicide and self harm.

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when i was fourteen i set myself a deadline.

quite literally.

i made a pact to myself that no matter what, i'd be dead by seventeen. it didn't matter how i died - i mean, i'm mostly healthy, so i knew it would probably be suicide, but it didn't have to be. as long as i was taken off the planet before everything started to get real i would be fine. right ?

there's so much pressure from society on eighteen years olds. it's the year you turn into a proper adult, who either needs to be in a proper university or have a proper adult job. neither of which seemed achievable to me. so i simply decided if i wasn't alive then ... it wouldn't matter.

school didn't matter. i quit playing sports, i lost almost all of my friends, i did have a job but i fucking hated it. i only went so i had money to try to keep me afloat with materialistic things which also didn't fucking work.

i was so miserable.

but it didn't matter.
because ... i'd be gone soon.

so when april hit, i didn't have a job, i had finished school, and my eighteenth was approaching ... i assumed it was going to be my time to go.

i think i tried to kill myself in april but i don't really have clear memories. i don't know what i was doing. i know i overdosed but i can't fully remember what my intention was.

it didn't matter. i survived. and was now left to face the consequences. i still experience trauma from my suicide attempt in november so i was too scared to even try ... i was terrified about failing, as corrupt as that sounds. also during this time my self harm addiction was in full swing. i was just so...

gone.

in my head i was already dead. i was like a pending transaction just waiting to finalise. i went on one of my dream holidays and spent the whole time thinking "this is going to be the last holiday i ever go on" rather than enjoying myself. as my birthday drew nearer i knew i had to do something - before it was too late and i missed my deadline forever. i'll never be seventeen again. every night i lay awake thinking "should i just get it over with?"

but ... i didn't.

and actually, i turned eighteen on saturday.

it feels ... odd. it's actually been some of the worst days of my life but that's for another reason i won't get into. it's the eighteenth side of things i want to talk about.

i am an adult now. i do have a job, i have applied for college and i'm saving up to go away (by myself) to go visit a friend. i seem so well put together on the outside. to some it will be baffling that i spent the last few months contemplating suicide. everything seems so all over the place and it's hard to figure out which way is up - but, i'm here.

i'm alive. i'm eighteen, and i'm alive.

i used my id to buy alcohol. i went to a club.

all these things i never thought i would get to experience... i have. even if i hated it...

the point i'm trying to make is... deadlines mean nothing. so many teens will set one for themself and like me feel a pressure to go through with it. but don't. don't give everything up because fourteen year old you wanted you to. keep going, because hell , twenty four year old you really wants to experience living alone. travelling. driving.

maybe thirty year old you wants to have kids or get married.

maybe seventy year old you wants to retire to the countryside.

and maybe one hundred year old you can't believe you ever said you wouldn't live past seventeen.

if you take anything from my letter today, fuck deadlines, fuck your age, your future, your past. live for the present. as long as your happy today, who cares about tomorrow?

thank you for waiting for me. i say it a lot but i do mean it this time.

i'll be back.

keep going.

don't let it all fall down.

ej