The sight of familiarity brings both comfort and a sickening feeling. I'm comforted because I can sleep in my own bed. My voice can be heard at the table. I'm away from O'Khasis. I feel sick because I will need to return to O'Khasis in only a short time. My birthday is near, but his face will be there. His voice rings in my head.
One of deceit.
"My child, you're finally home."
I press a kiss against each of my father's cheeks when he grabs onto my hands. "Father, I hope you received my final letter. I missed Meteli so."
He wraps my arm around his as a guide and starts off past the large entrance doors. Laurance remains behind us, questioning my driver how the ride fared, while servants bring my luggage to my chambers.
"I have. It pleases me to see you enjoyed your time in O'Khasis."
Father's walk has slowed over the years. He no longer runs through the throne room amongst us, playing along with our games. I don't mind the change in his pace. I find conversations to linger longer with a slower walk, and I enjoy my father's company. I do not have the heart to tell him that I did not favor my trip, nor do I favor the man who will hold my hand in marriage.
"I had decided on a new agenda while you were away," he tells me, stopping momentarily in front of the ballroom, placing his hand on mine. "You shall take the remainder of this day for rest. Your brother and I will see you during dinner, so I want you to do as you please. Tomorrow there will be a final measurement fitting before your dress is prepared."
"Father, I do not wish for a green gown," I say, breaking eye contact with him. "I do not wish for a black and white gown. There was the most gorgeous red fabric in the storefront window, entering the kingdom. I want that to be what my gown is made from."
His step stumbles, eyes questionable when he stares down at me. "Why, that's unlike you. Was this something you picked up from O'Khasis?"
"I've learned many things from O'Khasis."
°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°
"It is not wise to refuse a portrait," Adeline warns, tightening my corset. My eyes glance over the letter in my hands before dropping it carelessly over my bed.
"Refusing a dance is not wise," I state, glancing back at her by throwing my head over my shoulder. "For I may not dance for the remainder of the evening as a consequence. Never have I been told I couldn't refuse a portrait session. However, I respect Meteli far too much to do so."
My arms lift for Adeline to place my petticoat over my crinoline. We've decided to dress myself in evening wear despite the time of day. My jewels sit beside me on my vanity. I'm layered in three petticoats before Adeline reaches the skirt piece of my dress.
My hand brushes against the purple fabric before reaching my arms out for my bodice. She's rather quick on buttoning me up and reaches for the jewels she picked out for me. The silver is cold against my collarbone, ears suddenly pulled from newly added weight.
She places her hands on my shoulders, eyeing me up and down with a soft sigh. "His Majesty is waiting in the throne room for you. Remember to smile when your eyes meet."
I take a final look inside my mirror, dropping my eyes down to the older portrait that mistakenly was placed on my vanity. I flip it over where it faces the wood before absentmindedly tossing it over to the letter on my bed.
The ring remains on the surface. I can't help but to scowl at it with the memories it brings forth. I'm scolded by Adeline for my actions, claiming my emotions will drive me mad. She forces the ring onto my finger against my opposition and reaches for both the letter and portrait.
She places the small frame back on my vanity for appearances and reaches for the candle I have nearby. The letter quickly bursts into flames, darkening at the corner.
Watching it burn doesn't give me satisfaction as it had when I threw it down. It was an apology letter nonetheless, but reminders of what happened continue to make me feel ignorant.
Ignorance is a feeling I do not like to feel, alongside the feeling of a fool. I had gotten little sleep last night and refused to rise from my bed early morning. Adeline forced me up, quick to place on my stockings when I felt I could not. My bed brought little comfort to me, as all I did was roll side to side in my sheets, watching when a new pillow fell onto the floor. The sun rose through my window, and it brought little happiness. I could only hug my pillow tighter to my chest while incredible sadness weighed me down.
"If you'd like, I may escort you," Adeline says, breaking me from my trance. I bring my fingertips down from the jewels on my neck, dropping them at my sides. I shake my head no and wave her off. My first step is nearly a stumble, but I shake my head at myself.
My door opens, and my walk is slow. Laurance appears from the corner and offers me his arm. Absentmindedly, I accept it and allow him to guide me down the long corridor and to the throne room.
"Are you well?" He asks, taking notice of my quiet manner.
Our eyes lock when I look up to him, offering a soft smile. "I am perfectly well, Laurance. I am simply tired. That carriage ride had taken more from me than I thought possible."
He stops us, placing his hand over mine. "We can reschedule if you'd like."
"If I do not do this now, I feel time will never be enough, and it will never happen."
