Promise Flower

A Very Strong Thing

I'm not ok. I don't know what ok is anymore. I messed up so bad. Jimin, my Jimin, walked out of here near tears last night and it's all my fault. There's so many things I did and didn't do. So many things I said and didn't say. Now my heart is shattered knowing I had every opportunity to avoid hurting the one person who means the world to me. I wish I could take it back.

I didn't sleep much last night. I spent most of the time crying. My head hurts and I can't go a few minutes at a time without crying more. I really fucked up.

Tae comes over and I consider not answering the door until I remember that we were going to work on our assignments together. I haven't told him about last night but as soon as he sees my face when I open the door he instantly knows something is wrong.

"You look awful, what happened?" He asks pulling me by my arm to the couch.

"I messed up," I say trying to hold back tears. "I messed up so bad. You were right, I should've been direct with Jimin but I wasn't sure how. Then last night everything boiled over and I yelled at him. I didn't really mean to, but it was already too late. I hurt him and I don't know what to do now." My tears begin falling and I lose my composure. I'm inconsolable despite Tae's attempts to get me to calm down and breathe.

"Try to take it easy," he says hugging me. "Have you tried to talk to him again since then?"

"No. He probably doesn't want to talk to me. He probably doesn't even want to be with me anymore. I didn't want to hurt him." My tears begin to flow even heavier and it's a miracle I even have any tears left.

"I know you didn't want to hurt him. That's why you need to talk to him now more than ever. He's an understanding person, right? You have to explain how you feel to him."

"I don't know how I feel," I sigh. "I don't know how to put it into words. I don't even know how to make my feelings make sense. All I know is my heart is in so much pain right now. I know that knowing I hurt him makes me feel like the worst person on the planet. I know that the thought of losing him is unbearable. Tae, I don't know what I feel, I just know that it hurts so fucking much."

"Do you love him?" He asks softly.

Love? What the fuck is love? I love a lot of people. I love my parents, I love Tae and Jin and all my friends.

"Are you in love with him?" He reiterates.

That's even more confusing. How do I answer that? I don't even know what the answer is.

"Tae, I don't even know what that means." Tears are still streaming down my face. "How am I supposed to know?"

"You just know," he says with a shrug. "Only you would know."

"Do you love Taylor?"

"Of course," he says with a smile.

"How do you know?"

"I just listen to my heart."

Right, what a novel and cliche concept. Listen to my heart. At the moment my heart only knows pain.

We spend more time sitting on the couch while I cry off and on, and I forget we're supposed to be working on our projects. I start off taking photos of Tae since I'm not feeling up to being in front of the camera right now.

When I finish shooting a roll of film under his direction, he takes my camera to get photos of me. I tell him I really don't want to right now. My eyes are terribly red and puffy, there's no way I'm going to let him take pictures of me. Of course he's persistent and begins taking photos of me anyway. He claims there's a solemn beauty in capturing sadness. I don't like the idea of being the sad subject, but I tell him if he can make me look good at least take the pictures candidly. I'm definitely not in the mood to pose for photos.