Broken but not Destroyed

a whisper of validation

For most of my life, I felt unheard, unseen, misunderstood etc. Basically, invalidated. My parents or "friends" thinking I'm too sensitive, people thinking that I'm entitled, teachers telling me I'm not smart enough but no one ever listened to my side of the story. No one really sat down to ask me, "How are you?" or "Why do you think people say these things?". It was just me, trying to figure myself out but it's like trying to solve a maze when you're in it. There's an alternative perspective that you're blind to.

That all changed today when I had my first ever counseling session. Ironically, I get free counseling at a clinic I'm interning at to be a psychologist/ therapist in the future. Yup, a future psychologist with her own issues that she can't solve.

Despite knowing what is kind of expected from therapy (since I learn how to give it), I was nervous and anxious about being vulnerable and open to a stranger. But to my surprise, my counselor was kind and caring, she listened to me, help me kind of figure out some of the patterns in my behavior. In this session, I basically found out that I do have trust issues. It was something I knew beforehand, but thought that I just couldn't trust my boyfriend because my mum tells me not to trust men and how un-loyal my grandfather was to my grandmother. But turns out, I have deeply rooted trust issues to anyone, not specifically about my partner cheating on me.

After digging a lot deeper, she helped me to see that basically what started my trust issues started with my family. I'm pretty sure now looking back and reading the earlier chapters, that would be more apparent. I felt that there was no one who defended me in my own home and it was just me against the world. That mindset carried on and manifested in my romantic relationship with my partner.

I was calm and collected when I was sharing, although at the back of my throat, I felt a knot forming. A painful knot that you would get when you're trying to hold back your emotions, your tears. I shared about the possible start to my trust issue, when I was being bullied by my tuition teacher when I was 9. The one that would compare me to my sister, call me names, say I'm not smart enough, hit me on my head and take my money. When I told all these things to my mother she didn't listen, didn't care. I don't know if she believed me, probably not, but regardless, nothing was done. No one helped me.

She told me, after hearing me share, that she felt sad for me, and asked me how I felt hearing someone feel sad for me.

"Idk" was my answer followed by a nervous chuckle. I didn't feel anything, I don't know if I wanted to or if it was wrong to have someone feel bad for me. The knot tightened and it became harder to swallow.

She then asked me, "If you could go back, what would you tell the younger version of yourself?"

Silence. I didn't know what to say, I felt pain, felt sadness and regret for the younger me who had to sit through each tuition lesson, ready to be tortured again and having no one to turn to other than an old book filled with scribbles and doodles. The more I thought about it, the more I pitied myself. The knot loosened and so did my grip on my emotions. The tears fell and I struggled to say that I would tell myself to speak up and stand up to that horrible man , tell him he doesn't get to define who I am, tell him to eat his words, that he doesn't know how strong I would become, how successful I would become.

Today I forgave myself. For what? Shouldn't I be forgiving that horrible tutor or my parents who didn't help me? No, I forgive myself for not standing up, I forgive myself for letting his words and actions affect me up till today subconsciously.

I'm not suddenly all better. The negative thoughts of self-loathing and insecurity aren't just gone. But I am feeling better because for once in my life, I heard a whisper of validation. Self-validation.