Broken but not Destroyed

daughter of a b*tch

As the saying goes, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". We are products made by our parents. It's no surprise that a part of us comes from a part of them, and this could be good or bad.

Unfortunately it seems I'm a rotten apple as I inherited comparably more bad than good traits - or so it seems.

Now if you've been following me all this while, you would know that I've never considered myself to be perfect. I see myself as the most imperfect human being - made up with flaws that can't be erased no matter how hard I try. Try scrubbing off permanent marker from your paper. You can't.

I've tried and I've tried for the past one year plus to change myself, to scrub off my flaws or rather cover them up but yesterday, all my hard work was destroyed by a tornado of crude words, toxicity and raging tempers.

I admit that I have a bad temper, and I struggle with controlling my emotions - especially when I'm pissed. But after seeing my therapist, I've worked on ways to manage it, unless someone purposely triggers me.

A day before (21st February 2024), I was supposed to use the car to travel to my volunteering program. Yes, it starts with the infamous car. I'm required to be present at the venue by latest 7pm but was only informed that I couldn't take the car at 6.30pm (it takes 30mins to reach the venue from my house). I was still reasonable, and asked my mum to reach back before 7pm. She said that I could either wait till before 7pm or leave on my own.

I told her I would wait but upon discussing with my friends, decided to find my own way there as I didn't trust she would be back on time. Sure enough, after 7pm she texted me to say I'll need to go on my own.

Now folks, the takeaway here is not that I didn't get the car. Please do not misunderstand. The main issue was that she failed to give me adequate time in advance to make alternative plans. She had taken the car for facial and I had requested for the car (and she agreed) a week before, and constantly reminded her of my usage at least two more times before the fateful day.

The very next day, she made up a rule to say that in order to use the car next time, we need her confirmation and approval (which I did receive) upon asking. I replied that it was only fair then, upon her approval that the car is not to be intentionally used at a time close to the person's usage. To which she became more unreasonable and stated a new rule that we could only ask for permission 1-2 hours before using the car. She thereafter commented:

"It's my car and I can use it whenever I want".

Essentially, even after promising approval, she is still entitled to snatching the car away and rendering the person carless despite being given the permission. To add the bitter icing on the already sour and rotting cake, she commented that I was entitled in expecting to use the car.

Of course this breaches my strong core value of "fairness" and I was preparing to stand up to her. However, my phone service was suddenly and coincidentally cut off as I was typing my response.

Ever since I was a child and when I "misbehaved", my mother would confiscate things I owned. Even if she offered or insisted to buy it for me, she would confiscate it and claim that I'm entitled. She would confiscate my phone, my books, my toys, even my money - by transferring out all my money from my account (it was a joint account created by her). To summarize, she would simply take things I rely on or enjoy as punishment to control me and force me to crawl back to her with an apology. Of course I would not.

So this time was no different. When I reached home, I stormed into the room to demand her to reactivate my suspended mobile line. She laughed at me, called me crazy and told me to calm down sarcastically, claiming that she had nothing to do with it with a smirk on her face. She asked for proof that she did it, I demanded for proof that she didn't because I was so certain she did it. So before I returned home, I camped at someplace to get free wifi and researched how my mobile line got suspended. Two reasons popped up: 1) Bills were not payed, 2) User suspended the plan. My mobile plan is under my mother's and I would not suspend my own mobile plan and render myself contactless. It was also not possible that bills were unpaid because my sister's mobile plan would also be suspended.

So I shouted at her to reactivate my mobile plan again and it all happened so fast, I thought she would slap me and was preparing myself for it but what came next was way worse.

"You stupid bitch"

Those words were a thousand times more painful than a slap. I'll remember those words uttered from her mouth for a lifetime. She's called me a lot of things that have made me beat myself up and dragged me down to the darkest pits of my mind, but those words just shattered me.

I completely gave in to my inner demons and lost all control of myself. I yelled back at her and called her a stupid bitch back. We yelled back and forth and I just echoed whatever she said. She became creative with her insults and threw the "you're a psychologist, why can't you treat yourself" card. She said that I always calm down 5 year old kids, but can't even calm myself down.

Well mother, it's hard to tell myself "your feelings are validated" and "you are heard and seen" when I'm being told that I'm a stupid bitch and useless, and that my mother can't wait for me to get lost.

I can admit that what I said in response to her triggers were wrong and that I should've controlled my temper better. But I'm so sick that all my life, I had to be the "grownup" to apologize first, to make things right when she's the parent.

After this incident, it's clear. She wants to think she's the bigger person and the adult? Sure. But that's all she is. Just an adult. Not a parent and certainly not a mother - because no mother should EVER curse at their child when they were the ones who brought us into this wretched world.

And I'm sorry to my therapist that I'm done trying. There's only so much I can give and I'm fully spent.