Broken but not Destroyed

struggling to find my voice

12 years ago, I was told I suck at tennis and so I quit. (But only to be forced to rejoin a year later by my parents)
8 years ago, I was teased constantly for liking some guy when I actually didn't.
7 years ago, the same friends would laugh at me when I got hit at the net while volleying during tennis. (One of them is one of my closest friends now)
3 years ago, rumors flew around me as I had a crush on my classmate and best friend.
Today, I'm being humiliated and made fun of for not being able to sing.

I've been in love with music since I was young, unknowingly, and never had any professional training for singing, playing the guitar or piano. These were just hobbies that I picked up over the years to help me cope with stress and I never told anyone or exposed this side of me to anyone before. It was only when I joined my church's worship ministry, where I took a leap of faith to sing in front of people. I never got mentoring during that period and I was made to harmonize only within a few sessions. I also didn't know a lot of Christian songs as I had just returned, so I had to learn 3- 5 new songs a week on top of learning the harmonies to the songs. I never said anything because I was afraid that I'd be cut and won't get the chance to sing.

I struggled with this each time but managed to pull through. But the issue became greater when COVID struck and I had to do pre-recordings. Everything is made 10x clearer, my voice can be isolated and picked up instantly, even the little breaths I take while I sing can be heard. I was nervous. All the time. After my first recording, I was told by a sound engineer, that my voice was not strong and that I should practice more to hit the high notes. I took the criticism to heart and made sure to practice my high notes. A few recordings later, I was teased for sounding flat or soft and that I needed a lot of work done on my recording. I practiced more. Another recording later, I was told the one of the sound engineers, who was my closest friend in church, didn't like my singing. It was a joke, but it came across like a sharp knife and stabbed me right in the heart. I laughed it off because of people around. Now, I messed up and forgot the lyrics in a recording and there's a meme of me made. I am humiliated. The video was shared in a friends circle and everyone was laughing at me. It was like I had just travelled back 12 years, and I'm being told I suck and am a laughing stock.

What upsets me is that: 1) I'm not perfect 2) Everyone makes mistakes. So why is it me, that is being made fun of all the time? That's always been told off and teased about? What gives them the right to say these unhelpful and mean things to me?

I can take a joke. I'm not overly sensitive. I'm not emo. But why is it so wrong for me to stand up for myself? Why can't I find my voice to stand up to people and tell them when to stop? Why is it my fault, if I can't tell people off? They shouldn't have even done it in the first place. Why am I afraid of what people think of me when they are in the wrong?

I guess I'm just weaker than I though. Physically, I will take them on. But mentally and emotionally, I crack. People that are supposed to be my 'friends', aren't really my friends. I'm just the 'funny girl' or someone that they get their daily dose of humor from.

It's always easy for me to tell my girlfriends to be strong, to stand up for themselves. But when it comes down to myself, I close up like a clam and refuse to admit to people that, "Hey, I don't like what you're doing or saying. Please stop."

But why don't people realize the damage they create? You can joke with people but shouldn't there be a siren wailing in your head when you've triggered someone or overstepped your boundaries? The key word is: Exaggeration. When people exaggerate things to stay relevant or likable, that's when it starts to get annoying. Also, people don't like being told off. It's a natural reaction. My father didn't like being told off for making fun of me, but instead of stopping, he purposely made fun of me and then said "Oops forgot that you're sensitive", trying to turn the blame on me. Another thing, big creatures bully smaller ones. In this group of friends, I'm the only girl. They think that it's okay to just make fun of me and assume I'd be alright with it. That because I'm 'close' or 'one of them', they have every right to spread a video of me and turn me into a clown. Some friends they are.

Anyways, I'm thinking of stepping down from worship for now. I can't worship God if my heart is set on my pitch, my tone and worry about messing up. I know I shouldn't let them win, but if I put myself out there I'm practically asking for it.

But I need to learn how to find my voice, to stand up for myself and not care about what people think of me.