Broken but not Destroyed

a new perspective

It's been four days since I've moved out of my home (today being the fourth day) and there was quite a bit of adapting to do.

Firstly, my grandmother's house doesn't have any wifi. This sucks because my life depends on it. So in the mean time, I've been using my data and my grandmother's hot spot. However my mother keeps track of both so she constantly messages me to stop overusing the data. That's what she's more concern about. Not her daughter's mental health, but her money.

Secondly, since there's no helper here, I've got to do the dishes and clean up after myself. Honestly I'm fine with this because it means I get to be independent. I don't have to be nagged to do anything, I just do it cause I want to.

Thirdly, my grandma and I have to go out every time we need food. She doesn't like delivery and her place is kinda hard for deliveries to come. So anyways, this is nice because everyday we get a little walk outside for food which is a nice break from being stuck at home. This can be similar to my mother forcing me to go out and buy food with her, forcing me to go down to collect the food etc. But I much rather prefer this situation right now because once again, I'm doing things within my will and control. I'm not forced to do it like some slave.

Anyways, life is much better now and there's not much difference from my previous home other than those stated above.

But the biggest change is that I'm much happier here. I'm not overjoyed or really really happy like when I went to Korea, but I feel more at ease. I don't have to constantly listen out for the phone ringing, open or close the windows whenever my mother randomly comes in and orders me to, go down to collect the mail when my dad demands me to, or just do whatever they want me to do. I feel free and independent and I love it.

But I also feel numb. I feel that I'm no longer in touch with my feelings and I don't know what to feel about it. Maybe I've just cried too many times till I'm all cried out. Maybe I've cared too much for the people who don't care at all till I've become like them. Maybe I'm just sick and tired of having to pick up the pieces left behind by my parents. I don't know. And frankly I don't care.

I'm happier now and this is a new start for me. A new perspective to life. Not everyone has a perfect family, and it's about time I realized that. I shouldn't have tried to push for everything to be okay with my family. Because I'm here without them, and I'm living just fine.