Broken but not Destroyed

once a fool always a fool

Why do I always keep making the same mistakes over and over? When do I ever learn from my past mistakes? Why do I regress from progress and plummet into the deepest trenches of my errors?

I fucking hate it when people say "You always think you're perfect." I am NOT perfect and I fucking own that I'm probably the most imperfect person in my family. I try my best and work hard to get results but even in getting those results, that doesn't make me flawless. And if my family thinks I'm so perfect, why do they make me feel like the most screwed up one?

It's so damn tiring to try and be calm and deal with my emotions logically. Like Conan Gray once said, "Why try to deal with your emotions logically when you can be dramatic?"

This sounds like I'm whining but really, why is it that I have to be the one to change, be better, and kinder? It feels damn pressurizing to always be calm and collected, well-versed and rational when the world just throws all sorts of garbage in my face. I can apologize for my mistakes and still feel utter shit when my sister doesn't bother to reciprocate the peace to just say nicely "it's okay". Instead, she gives a judgmental stare and mutters "ok" like I'm a crazy psycho being emotional.

But I'm just really tired. Really really tired of still trying my best and it not being enough to stop people from judging me badly, from misconstruing my intentions as cruel and evil. I just want to say "fuck it" and do as I want for the rest of my life. But that's not in my morals. I care too much about what people think and that's a fucking curse in disguise.

I really am the fool again to think that I got it all under control. That I could stop my stupid mouth from betraying my intentions and creating inaccurate negative narratives of me in people's minds. This could just be a dash of salt in the sweet ride I've been on, but why does it have to be so bitter?