Broken but not Destroyed

is anyone there?

As a devoted Christian, in times like this, I spill my problems to the one true being who does not judge, does not look down on me (other than from the heavens) and listens to me. But sadly, he doesn't reply. That is God.

Some Christians have the opportunity of hearing God but all I hear is silence. Sometimes I do wonder if he really is there. My faith in him is strong, but in times like this, it falters.

My family is Christian too. I started going church regularly last year and brought my sister along too. My dad has always been going to the church my grandfather used to be the bishop in. My mother, well, she claims that she "went to church a lot when she (I) was younger, so she (I) doesn't have to go anymore."

That's the problem maybe. Not that I'm in any position to judge, but perhaps it's because she no longer goes to church and so she doesn't see things in the way a Christian parent would. But then what about my father? He has no excuse to act that way but he still does.

Christianity doesn't do much here. He uses it whenever he wants to, to get out of certain things. But then completely forgets about it when he wants to act like a dick.

I don't even bother with him, but with my mother I try. Well, tried. Tried to get her to come church with us on Sundays, tried to share what I learnt at church, tried to somewhat teach them what I was taught. But my mother would accuse me of trying to be more holy than her (I wasn't trying, I am more 'holy' than her) and get angry at me. I know she knows that I did nothing wrong and she's actually angry at herself, for not being a good Christian perhaps?

Am I wrong to say such stuff about my parents? Am I wrong to judge them so harshly as they have done to me?

Probably. But at this point, I don't really care. I'm so sick and tired of them trying to act more superior and use their parental status to look down on me, but at the same time, they don't act like good parents either.

Why is it that they can judge me and try change to me but when I casually poke at their flaws they get offended and yell at me?

I remember this incident very clearly because it only happened a few weeks ago.

It was during dinner and my family was talking about middle names. We were talking about chinese middle names (cause we're Chinese) and reached my cousin's middle name.

My mum said that his was 人 (rén) which translates to 'person' in English. I laughed and said that that was definitely not his middle name. She then said it was 忍 (rěn) in 忍耐 (rěn nài) which means 'endure' in English. I laughed again because who would name their child that? I then joked and said "Do you even know how to write that?" Context behind this joke is that my mother's chinese isn't very good and we've always joked about it with her. But that night she decided to be a cranky panty and snapped "What? You think you're smarter than me? You think you're smarter than your parents?"

I just kept my mouth shut even though I was itching to say "yes" since she felt threatened by me for some reason. My father shot me a look sideways. I was hoping he'd say something to help me but what do ya know? He just continues eating like what my mum said was totally justifiable.

Young me would've opened my mouth in a heartbeat, but older me, is more mature and so I just quickly finished my dinner silently, got up and left.

Later on my sis comes in and I rant to her about it. She says that she and my dad were shocked at my mother's outburst also. I too was shocked but since I couldn't say anything (because it would lead to more trouble), I was hoping one of them would stick up for me. But they didn't.

I used to think I could count on my father but I now know that he is just as cruel as my mother or maybe even worse. He has power over me and he's the only person that I'm afraid of. I'm not afraid of my mother. Never been and never will. Now that I'm older, stronger and bigger than her, I'm not afraid of her. But my father? I can put up a good fight but I'd still lose.

So without my father helping me, I only have my sister left. But my sister is useless here. She's my parents favorite and she knows it. She doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize her reputation with them. She doesn't stand up for me, except for once.

When my mother got furious at me and my sister for watching kdrama all day, she threatened to cut off my data and wifi and confiscate my phone to which I just said "go ahead" because that's all she can do. I went out for dinner and came back to hear that apparently during dinner, my sister begged them to not cut my wifi and data off because it was unfair of them to that when I only watched kdrama that one day.

My parents were so hooked by her crying and sister-love that they did as she asked. They came to me and told me that, hoping I'd be like "I'm sorry for everything I was wrong" whatever. Yes I appreciate what she did for me and it was about time she did. I didn't expect her to do that but I was touched she did. It was an unfair situation and a misunderstanding and thankfully she stepped in. But my parents changing everything and making it seem like she's the angel, helping me and all that pissed me off.

I stood up for her, when both my parents were furious at her for flunking her 'O' levels exam. They were scolding her day and night, threatening to do this and that, regretting about spending money on her tuition and tennis trainings etc. But I fought back against them to stick up for her for 4 damn days till they stopped. Yet they don't see me as the protective and caring older sister but the irresponsible and rebellious one.

Yes they did say I was a good sister for sticking up for my sister, but that was it. I don't count their praises as anything because they only praised me just cause they were upset with my sister. They really are playing favorites, swapping teams so easily and it sickens me.

Seriously, is there anybody out there who is listening to all this bull crap that goes on in my life?

In Demi Lovato's famous words:

I need someone