Broken but not Destroyed

there's no higher road

13 days since our argument and i've not uttered a sentence to my mother. Why should I?

"Because you live in her house and it's only fair" My father says.

But why does that matter? I live in this house because I wasn't allowed to leave when I wanted to. I was constantly reassured that I would be taken care of and loved if I stayed. I wouldn't have to worry about food and money.

That's a fat lie.

It's like living with a ticking bomb and I'm always the one to set it off.

The people who say I can trust because we're family are the very ones that betray me over and over. One small mistake made by me and I'm a horrible daughter, a stupid bitch and entitled.

I'm so sick of hearing those names that aren't even fitting me at all. I've done all I can to fix myself and reassure myself that I'm good enough. But that still doesn't take away my childish yearning for my parents' approval and validation.

Is it really so hard to just for once, listen and see goodness in me even if my actions say otherwise?

My therapist tells me to take the high road in the sense that I talk to my mum - not needing to apologize - but just out of my own wellbeing.

There is no high road, and I'm done trying to get higher.

Ever since I was a child this cycle has consistently went on and I'm putting a stop to it.

My mother is never going to change. No matter what I do will not change the way she views me.

When it's convenient for her, she uses my weaknesses against me, she gaslights, brushes off and invalidates my thoughts and feelings.

How can a mother can be so cruel?

So I'm done. I've come to accept that my mother won't change, and I won't be doing anything for her sake. I'm ready if it takes years to even talk to her because I'm doing this for myself.