Broken but not Destroyed

death of the wind

Do you sometimes think everything is going well, you're perhaps achieving things you had previously set your mind onto, you're feeling happy and light as if you're riding on a wind?

The problem with the wind is that you never know how long it lasts. Sometimes the wind can be so strong and sweeps through the streets, picking up leaves and swirling them around, making them dance. But sometimes, the wind goes as quickly as it comes, it can suddenly stop. My wind has stopped.

Of course like most, the start of a relationship is the "honeymoon" season. Probably after a few months is when that phase of dating is over, when you're so comfortable of your partner that you start to expect greater things out of them or start to feel that you get a say in their lives.

But for me, that pretty much started before we were even official. I was already beginning to be vocal about my dislikes and at the beginning it was probably reasonable because no man should ever make the woman they claim they like to feel insecure, to feel lacking in comparison to others and to feel unwanted. But I did and so I fixed it. From then on, I probably felt the need to correct my partner's wrong ways.

It starts with asking my partner to update me on where he is, to give me more words of affirmation (my first love language but last of his), to stop meeting up with girls for the time being ( I have trust issues and am working on it so requested for him to work with me on this) etc.

Last night, I was told that meeting up thrice a week(usually half a day on Tuesdays, half or full Saturdays and Sundays for church) was too much and that because we play games on other days even when we don't meet up and addition to the stuff mentioned above is too suffocating.

But guess what? I do all that and I don't complain. I do it cause I want to. I want you to go home quickly because I am excited to share what I learnt about the Scripture, I like you so much that I think about you when I'm not around you and although I too don't check my phone much with my friends, I still do every now and then to update you. I tell you when I'm going out so you don't need to worry about my whereabouts and who I'm with.

But apparently all these things are rules and are suffocating him as he said. Yeah maybe they are. That's why I feel stumped right now. Because I never thought they were because I do all that. I just feel like an idiot. I'm ashamed because I can be toxic. But it's like the more I try not to, the harder I fall and I'm tired of trying. Maybe if I cared less, I wouldn't bother so much about where you are or what you're doing. We can just not message at all during the day until we call at night. Do our own things. Have "me" time.

Now I need to be more "chill" and let you do what you want to do without controlling you. Hold back that comment from telling you what to do. Suck it up and put on a smile and be the "easy-going" girlfriend. I want to be that but I just didn't think my actions were "suffocating" up till now because I thought it was showing how much I cared and prioritized him. But I guess it was too much and I need to cut back. Cut back everything.

Gosh I feel really stupid. And really hurt. Like with the amount of willpower I have to hold myself back from tears while writing this right now is strong enough to get me to finish climbing Mount Everest. I just feel hollow inside. That all my efforts are 1) unappreciated 2) too much. I'm quite lost and am unsure on how to move forward in this relationship. So I'm taking a step back.

Sometimes moving back is better than moving forward. Perhaps we moved forward too quickly in the relationship. Maybe me planning to BTO next year was being too ambitious and predictive of the future. I'm young, 21, and am in no rush to get married. The initial plan was to wait till I'm 28 and so it shall stay. Focus on my career first and put myself as a priority.

But we know this is not how it turns out to be. Just like the wind, it picks up and drops repeatedly. It's a never ending cycle and I'm going to go through it again.