Broken but not Destroyed

pain rhymes with rain

You're stupid. You're useless. You're wrong. You don't use your brain. You don't make sense. Just shut up or apologize. Get out.

I never thought I'd hear those words again. Those cursed words come out my mother's mouth. But I actually expected it. There can never be sun for too long, the rain has to come sometime. Just like the seasons as well, the dreaded winter storm comes after spring, summer and autumn, and the cycle restarts.

Over just a simple thing like uncapping a bottle, has led to me being dumped randomly on the way to school in the pouring rain. Why does it have to be an ultimatum that either I'm wrong or I should shut up? Do I not have a voice to defend myself? Apparently I can't defend myself if I'm wrong or don't make sense. Why is it that everything that goes against her is considered wrong? When has she ever apologized for anything she has done wrong?

Studying psychology I see how my screwed up relationship with my parents really affect the way I see myself and the world. Everyone wants something from me, everyone expects me to be perfect if not I'm not worthy of love, not worthy to be listened to. As a parent, they should be the ones to take the blame and I've seen so many other parents sacrifice their ego just to listen to their child despite their child being "stupid" or "illogical". Why is it that everything I say, just because it's against my parents personal belief, is stupid or wrong? Why can't I share my perspective without being beaten to a pulp by vicious words that poison my mind and scar my heart?

What I hate most, is me trying everyday, still, to please them, walking on eggshells just to do so. And one small mistake, slip up or accusation, leads to a downfall of curses and threats thrown my way. And the audacity of my parents to believe they are perfect. Actually no, they know they are imperfect like the rest of us humans. But my mother, refuses to think so but in order to cope with this uncomfort of acknowledging that she is messed up and imperfect, she has to shit on every other person around her who threatens her intelligence, her capability or sanity.

"You think you're so perfect?" Has always been thrown my way. Fuck no. I know I'm not perfect but you expect me to be. And I try so damn hard but I'm tired of trying. One day I'll be tired of living. In fact, I already am. But no, my mother would never believe she is the reason for this. Even if I spit it in her face because of her I don't want to live anymore, she eggs me on to do it. She dares me because she knows I'm a coward. Well mother, I'm growing braver everyday thanks to you, just you wait.