❝ would this have been easier if i knew it all before? ❞
In which emotions change and Marcie finds out just how complicated her life can get.
[ heartstopper || season 1 -
extended summary inside
a LOVER'S CHOICE book ]
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Mars has been awake for most of the night. If she had the energy, she would probably estimate she had a few hours sleep. For just over the last twenty—four hours, she's confined herself to her room, mainly sticking to the comfort of her bed, under her starry duvet cover. When she had the energy and was willing to use it, she would move to the floor, sitting cross—legged, books in front of her, pen in her lap, not touching a single page —— half an hour later, they were cleaned up, put on her desk without the usual level of organisation, before she would drag herself back to her bed, staring at the oscillating pattern on her lamp.
When sunset started, she would continue staring at it, willing it to turn on by itself. The force of will it would've taken to move her arm from around the teddy she held close to her chest was too much for her to try, so she let herself lay in the darkness. Her thoughts bumping against her skull, the ones that made her feel worthless, useless, all the ones she tries so hard to keep away from her. She'd hear whispered lies twisted into believed truths, nudging her closer to that collapsing edge.
Messages that would bring a smile to her face were read with a blink before the lock screen would go black again, phone ignored as it laid on her bed within hand's reach.
Her mum came in eventually, turning on the light after she warned her daughter to close her eyes in preparation. Mars did as she was told, letting the darkness of the back of her eyelids suddenly light up. She knew it was coming, but she still wasn't prepared for it.
Pamela helped her daughter sit up, fixing her fringe, and sat with Mars as she slowly nibbled at the food offered to her on the tray, encouraging to drink her water every so often. This was engrained into her mind now, what to do, what to say; it didn't make it any less difficult. Seeing one of the people you love the most so low, so helpless, feeling so worthless, it hurt more than she could ever find the words to express with.
She knew something was wrong when she picked up Mars from the party on Saturday, arriving a few minutes early like she usually does so that Mars doesn't have to wait expectantly in the cold for her. Mars had been sitting on the grass, on the phone, smiling. But Pam knew her daughter's smiles by now, and that wasn't one of the good ones. Hanging up the phone, Mars stood from the grass, brushing the back of her skirt in case any strands or dirt decided to join her on the trip home, and headed for the car, sitting down with a smile to her mum.
