Restless Things

All These Things I'll Never Say (To You)

I still dream of your face,
I still feel you in my sleep,
God, I miss you.
I wish I could pluck you from the sky,
wrap the clouds around you,
protect you like I was supposed to.
I've got it all wrong, I know,
everything's rose-colored now.
But I wish I could deracinate you from the earth,
keep you warm like I wanted to.
But I forgot who I was,
I didn't know I was still breathing,
I forgot to leave room for me.

I'd pray to Chronos
to undo what regret feels like,
I'd erect a burning alter to Ananke,
but even She forces the strongest to bow,
there is no greater weight
than that of Time.
My knees buckle under it,
and my mind feels heavy with you.
God, I miss yesteryears,
was that you?

Before you stop me, I know.
Nothing's prettier than a Lie,
and nothing hurts more than Change.
Everything's rose-colored now,
I remind myself,
even memories whisper fantasies
and hide their ugliness away.
Are they even worth missing?

But I still hear you in my dreams,
inspiring that Old War inside of me.
And in those dreams
your voice sounds like rain on a November morning,
when my blinds are drawn,
and the hushed plash
crawls in between my sheets,
and the cold light
makes my chest ache,
God, I miss the feel of you
I've never known Nostalgia like this

You don't have to stop me, I know
everything's rose-colored now
Because with you I never felt so alone,
you took my soul and tucked it away,
in such a cold place
You sang soliloquies of desperate love,
and I stumbled into you
like a blind fool,
But I didn't mean much to you
compared to everything else,
do you remember me?
Is it worth missing?

But I still see you in those ethereal moments
between sleep and wakefulness,
when I can't tell dreams from reality
and time doesn't exist
Your skin feels like coffee
on a cold and quiet afternoon,
God, I miss the smell of you,
My sleep's never been so haunted,
and I know better than
to miss something so poisonous,
or to let myself be forgotten,
I know better than
to let someone tuck me away
into such cold places.
God, I am so ashamed,
to miss any of this

When I wake up alone
in the early morning,
before I chase away the thoughts
of who we used to be,
I think,
you might have loved who I used to be,
I think,
I might have loved her too
But I can't find her inside of me,
and I think,
it must be better this way,
I am more than I used to be
And maybe that's why
it means nothing to us now,
all those winters
I spent wrapped in you
But God, I miss the thought of you,
did I ever know you?

I can't drip these words into your ear
like a lover's potion,
and watch you morph
into that ghostly being,
that echoes in the ventricles of my heart,
how did you get into these chambers?
This demon I hold onto,
how did I let you in?
God, I miss you,
I wish I could draw you from my blood,
wash you out of my flesh,
forget you like I should have,
I can't imagine haunting you like this,
you must not think of me now,
And I wish I could untwine you from me,
one thread at a time,
leave you behind like I'm supposed to,
But I can't help but to be Sorry,
you're not the only sinner
on holy ground,
But I can't hold onto apologies
like love-letters,
there are no gods that can save us now

I want to say how much my skin burns,
or how much my bones twinge,
when I think of you,
I want to say I'm too sorry to speak,
or that sometimes I forgive you,
when loneliness makes me weak,
And I want to say I'd wish you'd stay,
or that I wish you were strong enough to fight
with me, for me,
I want to say I hate missing you,
or that I can't stand it
when I am better without you,
And I want to say it's not just you
and me, Love
we can't go back,
because we'll never change,
And I think,
we deserved better,
I think,
I deserve better

I can't wait to feel a cold autumn without thinking of your name,
I can't wait to breathe again
after crawling out from under the weight of you,
And I can't wait to finally feel clean
after spending months scrubbing you off
of me,
After I spent years giving you
almost everything,
And you took it all,
thirsty for more,
with sad emerald eyes and broken-heart voice,
You ate me up and drank me empty,
And maybe it was because I didn't give you
everything,
I held onto my I Love You's,
for rainy days
and worthy moments,
and maybe I was wrong to be so skeptical,
But after everything
I know better now,
You were wrong,
You were wrong to put me last,
to set me aside on that dusty shelf,
to turn things around on me

I'm more than you saw in me,
More than your other things,
I am real,
How can I miss
anything?
This is the Old War inside of me,
God, sometimes I don't miss you
at all