Believe in Second Chances

9) My Body Shatters

-Kylie

Truth be told, I missed them so much. I spent so many nights regretting, regretting and hating myself.

But their words and stares held me back.

So I eventually decided to miss no one anymore. I decided to delete everything. Reality was suddenly strangling me with a iron hold with its responsibilities. Because after all, I was just 17 and had recently ran away from home and dropped out.

That's when I started doing drugs. And by that, I forgot in total three years of my life. The big void in my heart was no longer acknowledged.

Ben's empty place in my life was no longer to be seen. Everyone who I should've missed floated away from my mind and left no trace. I could no longer miss someone who wasn't there.

But with time, I floated away too.

I lost myself.

I was no longer aware of my own existence as I used to. It was like controlling a robot. The damn drugs were the only thing that I knew.

I shake my head rapidly.
Away with those thoughts! Away, away!

"Kylie?"

"Hm?"

"What is it?"

"Oh, I was just thinking."

"You sure?"

"Yup."

"Ok, just checking. You seemed a little off for a while."

"Well, woops then."
But you know how much you miss it.

I scratch the skin under my long sleeved. Feeling the little bump that one of the scars have created on what usually is plain.

She is talking about her time in college, but I can't hear a word. My mind is at a place where not even I can find it.

But I do know that I miss Ben right now... I dunno... just, I really miss him right now for no reason. So I ask Lexi about when the concert is ending and she answers with something that seems like a very long time.

Sigh.

Lexi eventually turns to River and brings him up onto her lap. She is holding him by his armpits and smiles as she speaks to him in a hushed tone. Y'know, the way people do with babies.

Lexi shakes him lightly side-to-side and he starts giggling. Then she puts him by her shoulder and stares me in the eye.

"He's tired, so I'm just going to put him to sleep... you ok?"

"Yeah, I think I'm also going to sleep.""Ok then, sleep tight."

And with my good sense for social communication, I respond with:

"Thanks.

Goddammit, Kylie.

I wander down to the set of bunker beds that are held by the walls. Without even noticing, I pass by my bed and climb up to Ben's instead.

I realize that as I wrap the blanket around my depression-heavy body. Soon enough I realize that I'm not really that tired at all.

What is this feeling then? Because I feel like a rock, I feel like I do when I'm tired. So why can't I sleep?

Oh. I just figured out why I can't sleep. Those damn monsters, those who are smaller than I will ever feel.
Calories.

My breakfast has given me energy. Oh god. Why, why and why?!