Believe in Second Chances

24) Swimmers And Drowners

-Kylie

With the photo album beside me, I breathe slow to calm myself down. I can't help to think about my band...

There was John the drummer, Ivy the guitarist and Spider, whom was the bass player. Well, Spider was actually a nickname he'd been given since he was a kid. Mostly because he was tall and had long, lanky limbs. Also because he's black, and very dark skinned. We never really learned his birth name, which is kinda weird now when I think about it.

We were a fun type of group, because there was me, the socially awkward and a bit freaky girl. John, the hot but very shy guy. But at the same time really good at flirting and not to mention funny? Reading fiction was his passion, almost as much as football. Though he was bipolar, like Ivy, which would be hard sometimes. He was the only one really close to his family, sadly true. Spider hated his mother, didn't know his father and Ivy grew with her old sister. John knew what his parents sacrificed to make their lives better by moving here. John was the type of person who couldn't stand somebody not liking him.

Ivy was like me, maybe more freaky and flirty. Ivy was really kind and she lived for the guitar. Interesting fact, for a freaky person, she was actually asexual. She loved the color blue more than any other person. Everything was blue, her pillows, her hair, her clothes, her make-up and eyes! Everything! She was the kind of person to take care of themselves, very independent. Though she grew up with her sister, she did grow up with her parents at first. I loved when she spoke of the Jewish holidays, the silent nights and kind eyes. I hated when she spoke of the homophobia, the fights and the mean words. Her sister was a lesbian so she got kicked out, but Ivy followed her... but I still remember the wild soul who could easily be the biggest sex addict ever, but she was aseuxal... hah.

Kind of fun, y'know?

Spider was also very outgoing and he was really funny. He loved drinking and styling his hair in different styles. Maybe a bit obsessed with his hair and skin... seriously, he would probably kill you if you messed up his contour or his hairstyle! Oh, I forgot to mention that he loved make-up! By the way, Spider was bisexual but had a preference for girls. Don't be judgmental! Either way, I can remember Spider sometimes doing unnatural highlights in his hair, but he was far too afraid for bleach so only highlights. Seriously, he loved his natural hair.

He gave the best hugs and was so caring. Not your black-guy-who-hates-black-women kind of guy, thankfully. I learned a lot from his rants.

Now it hurts to think about how all these great personalities being worn down because of my mental health... at the end, it was all about me and they started being quiet. Spider started doing heroin and John drank himself to the point of being hospitalized whilst Ivy fell in love with weed a bit too much. Such beautiful people with astonishing personalities faded away and our house became silent.

Their eyes were sad and empty. We only spoke when we really needed and they just got so tired of fighting.

I guess that's what happens when you put four broken people together with no help. I just brought them down and they started drowning. Leaving them felt right, I can't to this day think about their faces.

Fuck, I think I'm crying... goddammit.

I wipe away my tears with a sleeve, but I can't stop it. So I start crying for real, with quiet sobs. I can't wake them up...

My skin seem to crawl, itch and growl. The stress has made me crave a cigarette. I have only had one cigarette a day, so I must still have. And I know, it's disappointing to have myself fail so hard on this.

I was supposed to be better, to be heal and all the comes with it. I can never get my shit together enough to be strong enough and concentrated enough to focus on good things. Always a slave to my own cravings, whatever...