Believe in Second Chances

13) Ticking Bomb

-Kylie

So I close my eyes and try to remember something funny from the past I've suffered from. It's hard, because there's not much to talk about.

May I share a piece of myself? But what?

Though I end up telling him about a worthless time when we were lost in the middle of nowhere. There's a part I don't tell him about.

-

I shook my head and lit a cigarette. I heard them discuss how to fix our van, but I simply didn't care.

The smoke engraved itself into my lungs and filled me up like helium, because suddenly my mind was levitating off the ground.

It flied to space, higher and higher. I had a smug on my face a I closed my eyes. I felt the stars coming closer to my face and I could touch the sky.

"Ky! Hello? Ky!"

I opened my eyes and I was back on earth. My drummer John was standing beside me.

"Hey..." I mumbled and put the cigarette between my lips.

"How are you doing?"

"Ok. Are they making any progress, van-wise?"

"Not yet."

"Damn."

"It sucks."

I threw the cigarette on the ground and stomped on it, letting the life of it get burnt out under my sole.

"It's getting cold." I remarked.

"Yeah..."

I shot a glance at John, his dark brown eyes, his high cheekbones and the dead black hair that couldn't stay out of his face. I smiled, remembering that he's probably cares about me. Always so kind...

We kissed, nothing I had planned today.Quickly we turn away, awkwardly chuckling.

But there's panic in my heart because memories play in front of me.

Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship?

"Oh.. ehm.. that happened..." he remarked and blushed.

I stared into his dark-brown-almost-black eyes. I shrugged. We both knew that we could never be a one.

-

Ben's finger is stroking my arm. Back and forward, slowly and slowly. I have to admit it; it makes me calm.

I'm honestly afraid of fucking things up with Ben, because I haven't gotten help. I'm a ticking bomb. Brad has made me unable to be in relationships. He shook my ground and made me fall down. But the ground didn't catch me, I ended up in hell instead.

Ben doesn't know that yet... I'm wondering what's on his mind.

Look at my skin! Look at my body! I can still feel the burns! I feel the burns spelling words. They're written on my skin and labelling me! Don't touch these burns!

Ben's lips are kissing me by my ear, slowly, slowly. I close my eyes, smiling at the attention. All until I realize where this is going. Quickly my heart is raising and fear is biting in. Memories too real, too strong, too terrifying, they're all floating around in the storm inside my head. It's bubbling up the surface until I snap.

I can't see, I can't feel, I can't hear. The only thing I know is that I've crawled up at the edge of the bed. I know Ben is staring at me, trying to calm me down.