Believe in Second Chances

11) Memory Mornings

Kylie
I don't know why, but in the early morning, I suddenly just wake up. I can tell by the reddish sunlight that slips through the windows in this bus that it's sunrise. Wow, that early? Why?

I take a deep inhale and feel Ben's arms around my waist and chest. Woops, can't move too much then. I don't really feel like waking him up. His nose blows air on my shoulder. Tickling me a bit, haha.

The entire bus is silent. A little snoring here and there, but otherwise it's completely silent. After spending weeks on my own, I don't mind a little sound surrounding me.

To be honest; I like it better than the silence. It was almost getting through my head, ugh. So now I'm closing my eyes and enjoying the peace of waking up first.

It's very comforting.

For a while, I can almost trick myself that I'm back in high school again. That I'm back in Ben's old room, or house, after having a sleepover. Things seem so distant but so close suddenly.

I remember the nights I spent at Ben's house, before I smashed everything to pieces. Yeah, those were the days. I wonder if Ben ever thought about our nights together? The sometimes naked bodies that is sticking against each other and the comfortable silence with waking up together.

Or when you got the joy of waking up first and being able to gaze at the other's sleep.

I know that for a very long time, I missed it. I missed it a lot. But as I started doing drugs and all the other shit load came by, I didn't have time to miss anything.

I just forgot.

As things calmed down, like in recent years, I started dealing with the misery and pain I should've felt. It came like a wave and for a while, it almost drowned me. My lungs were filled with misery and I breathed out depression, which was a air brought toxic. Everyone who were near me got it stuck in their own lungs for a while.

It took me a long time before I started handling it better. Becca really helped me through.

Oh, Becca! I miss her really bad right now. Wonder if she thinks about me?

There's another name that is slowly arising from dust and spiderweb in my mind. Another friend of mine who I lost as the years passed by.

Anne.

That girl who I looked for at that party when I was... yeah, y'know...

It's been such a while since I talked to her. We used to be pretty close, I mean, we had deep conversations every now and then.

Anne was this cool girl who had never heard of social anxiety and was sassy as fuck. I was always kinda jealous of that. She was still one of the kindest people ever. How she could just let go and not give a fuck about what people said. I compared myself a lot with her.

Now you're probably eagerly awaiting my description of her body, right? That I was jealous of her body and she was so thin and she had bigger boobs and blagh, blagh blagh. (Ok, she had better boobs than I, but also two sizes smaller.)

Truth was, Anne wasn't that kind of girl who I compared myself physically with. Why? Well, she was a trans girl also. With other words, she was born a boy, but she had been on a hormone therapy for a few years before I met her which caused her chest to grow a bit. She had some feminine features because of it.

But really, who fucking cares? She was still my crazy and beautiful best friend. Penis or not.

After years of bullying and hatred, I think you'll built up a I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-other-people-say attitude.