How You Remind Me

4

"Will you go out with me?"

I slowly lifted my eyes off the chart in front of me and looked into a pretty set of blue eyes. I raised a brow. It was Jackson Avery, he and I had become sort of friends since I started here at Mercy West, being that he was a trauma surgeon and I a general surgeon, we worked together a lot-but I never felt anything beyond that for him... and I knew he didn't either.

"Are you honestly asking me out on a date Avery?" I mumbled "Or are you just out of drinking buddies for the evening?"

He sighed heavily, confirming my later accusation.

"Charles is working a 36 and Reed is too stuck up her own ass to be seen with me."

"Why not, you're hot." I smirked.

"Really?" he asked with a growing smile.

"No, but you two are both incredibly self centered you'd be perfect together."

"Thanks." He muttered. "By the way, I was supposed to come tell you some old lady is wandering around looking for you."

"Some old lady?" I frowned.

"Yeah," he said "About five foot three or four, silver hair and sparkling brown eyes."

I frowned in thought, but saw over his shoulder a match for his description. It was a woman that I recognized, that I loved, she'd been much more than a parent to me. I gasped.

"That woman?" I asked. He turned and threw her a glance.

"Oh, yeah... that's her."

"Shit!" I hissed as I turned around "its Ma."

"Ma?"

"My mother...or should I say, former mother in law."

"Oh." His brow rose "that sucks."

"Meredith!" I heard her call out my name before I could make a run for it. "Oh Meredith, there you are."

I put on my best fake smile and turned around to show it to her. She reached out and enveloped me in a hug immediately, it was warm, soft, and it felt really damn good.

"Hi, Ma." I said softly into her shoulder "What are you doing here?"

"Well I thought I'd pay you a visit." She smiled, though I knew there was more to it than that. "Might we talk?"

"Yes of course." I sucked in a breath, "Dr. Avery, will you take my patient please."

"My pleasure." He grinned and flipped the chart open "An enema? You're giving me an enema!"

"Have fun." I winked.

I led Ma out of the ER and down a quieter hallway before nervously turning to her. I fidgeted with my hands for a few seconds and let out the breath I'd been holding.

"So I'm guessing you're not just here to have a chat." I mumbled "Derek told you."

"Mark actually." She frowned "But no, I'm not here to talk to you for fun."

"Ok." I gulped with a nod, I owed the woman this much.

"What happened, what went wrong dear?"

"I don't know." I sighed "I just know it's over, it's been over for a while now."

"Why not reach out for help, we're your family...we'd do anything to help you out."

"It was beyond help." I struggled to say "He didn't even oppose when I brought it up. He just...let me go."

"He's stressed darling." She sighed "Men are funny sometimes. They don't really react well to things we think they should."

"Well it's really over this time."

"I know." She said sadly "Derek said its final now." I nodded and stared at my shoes as I tried to keep the betraying tears at bay, "Was it the baby?"

My eyes snapped up, I felt them burn and sting. Anger chewed against my jaw and I felt a long distant knot return to my throat as I stared back at her.

"I don't' want to talk about the baby." I said in the calmest voice I could muster.

"I know darling." She said sympathetically "And I don't mean to bring it up, but was it?"

I inhaled slowly, and let out a long cool breath as I tried to remain calm. It was not a subject I wanted to discuss... not ever. It was still so fresh, still so raw. They say that talking about it would help, but no matter how much I talked about it, or wanted to. It still wouldn't bring it back. It still wouldn't change anything. So what was the point?

"I don't know." I choked the words out as tears misted my eyes "I don't know if that had anything to do with anything."

"Darling, I'm sorry." She sympathized, she reached in her large purse and handed me a tissue "It's just, you two were so happy-two Christmases ago, you came home and announced it and were just glowing. And then..."

"And then we came home and I lost the baby." I muttered, I wiped my nose and caught a few tears with the tissue, "I know...."

"Darling it happens sometimes." She sighed "You just have to try again..."

"I couldn't." I tried not to hiss "I couldn't. It was too hard, it hurt so much. And Derek wanted to, and when I told him I didn't. Well he kept looking at me like I had ruined our only chance at having a child. And he started to come home late, and then he quit coming home at all. Two years later, having a marriage where my husband can't even look at me isn't a marriage at all Carolyn." I sniffled and cleared my raw shaky voice "I'm sorry, I just... I couldn't feel like a thief anymore. I had to walk away....and like I said; he never tried to stop me."

"I'm sorry honey." She rubbed her hand soothingly up and down my arm "I didn't mean to hurt you by bringing it up. I just don't' understand."

"Understand what?" I asked.

"I don't' understand how two people can be so in love... and then end up like this."

"Life." I shrugged "its life."

She looked like she could argue that point, but she pressed her lips together into a soft smile. She let out a sigh and nodded.

"Well I won't keep you any longer." She said "You have work to do." I nodded and turned to go back to the ER when she grabbed my arm, "Meredith?"

"Yes?"

"Please, know that you will always be my daughter in law."

I sucked in a sharp breath and smiled as she reached out and hugged me tightly.

"Thank you, Ma."

She left as quickly as she came. Disappearing down the hallway and out an exit; I took a moment to compose myself before returning to the ER where Jackson looked nauseous as he wrote in the chart I'd given him.

"Avery." I sighed, he looked up "What time do you want to get a drink?"

His color returned and he smiled.

"See you at eight o'clock Dr. Grey."