How You Remind Me

10

You know that song, My Boyfriend's Back. Well it kept going through my head all day. Except I didn't have a boyfriend.. I am a guy. No, I don't swing that way. I could replace it with girlfriend, but I don't have one of those either.

My wife....ex-wife was back.

She'd always been in town, just the other side of it. It made things easier but also harder.

I missed her.

I could say she hurt me, that she turned her back on us that she ran without reason. But none of it was entirely true. We were both to blame for the demise of our marriage, we both had faults.

Something happened. It hurt both of us equally but instead of turning to each other we turned away.

I was just as at fault for that as she was. But at the time working kept my mind off my hurt, so much so that I was addicted to it; I needed that surgical high to keep me going, to remember to breathe.

I should have been breathing her in.

But now it was too late, all we could do was pick up and move on.

It was good to see her back. To have the chance to see her every day-was refreshing. I always adored her smile, I think I always would. Not sure if that would help any dating life I hoped to have in the future.

I didn't want to date. My wounds were still fresh, still sore, not yet healing.

I pushed my way into my office after another afternoon surgery well done. It was unlocked and the door was left open a crack. It was not how I left it.

I continued on to my desk and saw the lamp was on. Sitting in the middle was a white jar candle, I frowned and sat down in the leather office chair-there was a note tipped up against it. I grabbed it and read the familiar handwriting...

I stumbled across this and the smell reminded me of the sea water spray coming off the front of the ferry boats. Thought you could use a little pick me up amidst your busy days and nights.

-Mer

I folded down my brow as I lifted the candle to my nose. I smiled; it smelled exactly like the sea water spraying off the front of the ferry.

I dug for a match I somehow had in the top drawer of my desk, struck it against the wood on the desk and then lit the candle.

It wasn't long after resting back in my chair I began to recall the ferry boat rides. Not just all the ones I had in my lifetime so far, but the ones I shared with her. It had quickly become our favorite spot. It was our pick me up. But then my thoughts turned sad, there was no our anymore, there was no us, no we.

There was just me and this stupid candle that reminded me of how painful life was without her. Why did she want to do this to me? Why!

I blew it out and left my office with a storm in my stride. I made my way to the elevators in hopes of finding a loop hole on the OR board that I could obsess over or possibly even jump through. I needed to get my mind off of this.

There were two doctors from peds on, I breathed a sigh of relief, I was safe. I made my way to the back and leaned against the wall. Maybe a nice soothing elevator ride was all I needed.

The cabin stopped on the next floor and the doors opened, I looked ahead and my chest jolted. Her eyes locked on mine and she smiled as she stepped on with two coffee's to go in her hands. She squeezed past the ped's doctors and took a spot next to me on the back wall.

"Hey." She greeted.

"Hey." I mumbled dryly.

"How are you." She said as if she were ignoring my tone.

"Fine." I sighed.

"Surgery go well?"

"Yep."

I think she finally got the hint that I wasn't happy. Of course we were pro's at it by now, detecting when the other wasn't happy. For the last two years neither of us were. I heard her mumble something like a sarcastic "Okaaayyy." And I felt a twist of guilt in my gut.

She was being nice, polite, maybe even just trying to smooth the water or air or whatever so we could work in peace together.

Maybe I was the one taking it wrong, it wasn't fair to her.

I opened my mouth to apologize when the cabin stopped again and the doors opened. This had to be one of the busiest elevators known to mankind.

"Did you hear Dr. McDreamy's wife came back?" a scrub nurse I recognized said to another. I rolled my eyes at the nickname.

"Yes!" she hissed "Does that mean they're getting back together?"

"I don't know. I mean it'd be sweet but I kind of hope not."

"Oh please, like you have a chance."

"And you do?"

"Well if she's not here for him, what is she here for?"

"Why don't you ask her yourself."

I froze as the voice came from beside me, my eyes widened as did the two nurses who were now turned around looking at the two of us in shock and awe.

"I'm standing right here." Meredith scolded lightly "But if you just want to talk behind our backs in front of our faces, go right ahead."

They blushed, I couldn't blame them. I was too much in shock to speak. I wasn't one for confrontation, Meredith however, she was. She snickered in amusement as she sized the two brunettes up.

"Oh and I doubt that either of you really have a chance. He prefers blondes."

The doors opened and they got off before anyone could say goodbye. The Peds doctors must've felt awkward to stay on, they got off too. And it was the urology floor. I sighed as the door closed on us.

"Did you have to do that."

"What?" she shrugged "I was doing you a favor right? I could never picture you with members of the gossip chain."

"No." I shook my head "But one of them was a really good scrub nurse, I doubt she'll ever sign up for another of my surgeries ever again."

"Hmmm." She hummed as she sipped one of the coffee's in her hand.

I'd forgotten my streak of forgiveness for my foul behavior...and to top it off she started humming-some insipid Christmas tune. It was the little drummer boy or something like that. It reminded me of the Christmases where she would troop through the snowy New York streets with my nieces and nephews and go caroling. It was torture.

"Why are you doing this!" I blurted out as the doors opened.

She stopped mid-step and turned to look incredulously in my direction.

"Pardon me?"

"I don't get it." I huffed as I held the doors open "The candle, and the humming, and the fact that you're so damn happy when I'm not! I just don't get how you can walk around here rubbing that fact in my face just to make me miserable. So yes Meredith, tell me why!"

Her face remained blank as she took it in. Finally I got a response, an eye roll.

"Seriously Dr. McDreamy" she emphasized only to get under my skin, it worked "Not everything is all about you."

I opened my mouth to reply but nothing came out. Because nothing I'd planned her to say was close to being that. I closed my mouth and frowned at the subtle insult.

"This is for you by the way." She said, shoving the other coffee into my chest, I took it as she stepped off the elevator-she turned around and gave me that world famous smile of hers "I'm being nice. If that's a crime let me know and I'll stop. If it's not, shut up and enjoy it."

And then she walked off, wagging her tail in a way that made me want to go chase it. The doors closed on my baffled self and I sighed with defeat. In no way was I over Meredith Grey...not even close.