How You Remind Me

20

"Merry Christmas Mom."

I whispered into the wind. The rain pelted my face, but it masked my tears so I didn't care. I was at the bow of the midnight ferry boat ride to Bainbridge Island.

I had no reason to go there, I just needed something to do. And standing in the rain sounded like a good idea. I knew it wouldn't be so a week from now when I was visiting my ex-in-laws for Christmas and sneezing from a cold.

But tonight...December 18th. I needed this. I wanted this.

My mother and I always celebrated Christmas on this day since I was old enough to remember. She was always swamped with work from the nineteenth until well after New Years. So we made it a tradition.

It was usually a small tradition. It was typically just the two of us, we'd open presents that we'd gotten each other and some that relatives or friends sent through the mail. We'd drink hot apple cider by the fireplace and end the night with her reading "Twas the Night before Christmas."

It was the one day a year she looked, felt and acted like a mother.

All the other 364 days a year she was Ellis Grey, she was a doctor, a surgeon. And she had no room in her life or time to be mothering to me.

But that one day a year she made the exception. That one day a year was enough for me, and I looked forward to it.

But the year I met Derek, she passed away before we rang in our tradition. Yet at the same time I got to see what a real family Christmas was like. I adored it, I loved it, and I loved him for it.

Last Christmas was rough. He was nowhere around and I had to spend my December 18th and the real Christmas alone.

It was the first time in all our years together that I really, truly, honestly, felt all alone. And it was the worst feeling. It's like he was keeping me afloat all those years, but now I had to sink or swim.

It felt like I was drowning, I knew I needed to go inside and warm up. But I wasn't done cry. I needed to get it all out, the pain, the anger, the hurt.

I was ready to let it all go. And I had to.

If Derek and I would ever hold a candle of a chance at making it again, I needed to forgive and forget. No, I'd never forget the memory of those precious ten weeks I had with our baby. I'd never forget what it felt like to grow a tiny life inside of me. I'd always have an ache, dull or sharp.

But for the sake of gaining my husband back, I needed to lose all my pain.

"You're going to get sick out here if you don't go inside soon!"

The voice was so distant and familiar, that for a second I thought that it was my own thoughts talking.

"Meredith!"

But I usually didn't call myself by first name. I turned over my shoulder to see a familiar shadow of a man standing a few feet behind me. His face was defensive to the rain pelting down on us, his long trench coat was clenched around his body and he waved me with a bare hand.

"Come on! Come inside!"

I nodded before turning back to the open waters in front of the railing. I took in a deep sharp breath and closed my eyes, ridding them of the last little tears I had left; then turning around and following him inside to the cabin.

"Are you insane." He sighed with irritation as he shut the door behind me "You're soaked to the bone."

My throat was raw from crying, something I didn't want him to know yet. So I nodded, he gave me a look of concern before helping me out of my coat and hanging it up, then he hung his coat up.

He gestured us to the dining room where the rest of the sane passengers occupied, riding out the storm in warmth.

I felt something warm on the small of my back as we made our way through the room, it was his hand.

We chose a table close to a window and sat down.

"You're dripping." He said with a light chuckle to his voice.

He reached across the table with a tissue and wiped the water off my face. I smiled graciously as his hand lingered and caused a soft burn against my cheek, he smiled back and we got caught up in each other's stare for a moment.

"Sorry." I finally mumbled

"What were you doing standing out there for so long in this nasty storm?"

"I needed some air."

"You know," he smirked "They make these little contraptions that keep you from getting wet in this kind of weather, they're round, have a handle and come in an assortment of colors...they're called umbrellas."

I rolled my eyes but found the corners of my mouth smiling at his joking nature. He chuckled and it was music to my ears. This man... this was my Derek.

"Smart ass." I hissed.

"Better than a dumbass." He shot out his usual comeback. I rolled my eyes again "So what brings you to the midnight ferry?"

"It's December 18th." I choked out. I got a sympathetic silence in return. "What brings you to the midnight ferry to Bainbridge Island?"

I watched as the Adam's apple in his throat bobbed up and down. He gazed out the window for a long hard second before turning back to me.

"It's December 18th." He said. He looked down at his hands that were folded and resting on the small diner table "I was worried about you. You weren't at work, you weren't at home. I know you don't like being alone on this day so... I thought perhaps you took a ferry. It's where you usually go to do some thinking."

I gulped. He was right. He was so right.

"It's December 18th." He said softly again "And I wanted to see if you were alright."

For a second, and only a second, I felt anger. And a lot of it. I turned and looked out the window at the rain beating against it. I wanted to wonder where he was the last December 18th, or the one before that. He wasn't there, he never tracked me down, he never came home.

But no. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. This was me letting it go.

"Thank you." I smiled. "I appreciate it."

"Well I'm glad I came." He sighed "You were about to drown out there."

I giggled as the waitress approached the table. "Can I get you two something warm to drink?" she asked skeptically sizing up our soaked appearances.

"Two hot apple ciders." Derek said before I could open my mouth "And make hers with whipped cream on top and those little cinnamon curls."

I felt warm. From the inside out I felt warm. It started in my chest and radiated outward. He knew me-from the inside out he knew me. This is a man who I'd known for eleven years of my life.

That's eleven Christmases, eleven birthdays, eleven everything's. Why would I ever have thought about giving that up? Why would I think I could start over from that? Why would I want anything different?

I didn't...

"Derek." I mumbled. He looked up at me expectantly.

Waiting for me to say something, I opened my mouth and had a million things that wanted to leap off the end of my tongue. But not one of them did.

"What?" he finally asked softly after a few minutes of silence.

I love you. I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry I ruined our marriage. I want you back, I want us back. I want children, and grand children. I want to die when I'm a hundred and ten and in your arms.

I would tell him. But not tonight. I was raw, and emotional, and though I felt sure I wanted to know I was sure. I wanted him to be sure and ready. I closed my mouth and smiled.

"Merry December 18th."

He smiled and reached across the table, encasing his large warm hand over my small ice cold one and gave it a squeeze.

"Merry December 18th Meredith."