Onika's Anatomy

I HEARD A RUMOR

"You wanna know what scares people? Success. When you don't make moves and when you don't climb up the ladder, everybody loves you because you're not a competition."

- Nicki Minaj.

I was currently sitting in front of my therapist for our third session this week—it was actually supposed to be four, but I skipped a day. I was looking down at the floor where I laid for months expressing my doubts and fears, now all of a sudden, the floor was not my favorite spot anymore.

"Earth to Onika..." Taraji's pen waved in front of me.

"Ohhh...I'm sorry my mind drifted for a bit. What were you saying?" I turned giving her my full attention.

She paused and smiled. "I was asking you about the Harper Avery awards, it's quickly coming up. And I just think you haven't put much thought into it."

I folded my arms feeling a tad bit offended. "Thought into it like how Taraji?"

"Onika somethings different about you and I don't know if it's good or bad. Since the first time  in two years you've never missed a session—not even when covoid was at its peak. Now you've missed a session, you're sitting up in the chair, you're very nonchalant all of a sudden. And for Christ's sake you didn't beat Lauren's ass for finding out she knew Beyonce was married."

I shook my head immediately, disgusted by even hearing that name. "Taraji you know we do not call her name! Not under any circumstance."

"Well, I find it ironic that you'll be attending an award show in less than two weeks that's headlining her name as surgeon of the year. So, news flash honeybun, if you can't bear to hear her name here, how the hell are you going to sit through a two-hour award ceremony in the same room as her. So, ask yourself, are you really ready Onika?"

I sighed pinching my eyes tightly together, in hopes that it would yield the emotions running wild inside of me. When I re-opened my eyes Taraji's face was blurred, followed by the warm salty tears cascading down my face.

"Taraji I'm just tired of all of this--- I'm tired of nightmares, I'm tired of looking over my shoulder in public, I'm tired of her being in my head! I see this bitch every day! When I'm asleep, when I'm driving, when I'm in the shower. She's like a parasite that won't get out of my body! So, I think being in the same room as her to be awarded for my hard work as black surgeon isn't going to affect my already fucked up mental health!"

"And that's exactly why I'm telling you that you're not ready Onika!"

I kissed my teeth, shifting my body around in the chair. "Why does everyone keep saying that?" I frustratingly screamed.

"Say her name!" Taraji clapped back. "C'mon say it! Say her name Onika."

I shook my head from side to side. "No."

"C'mon say it- or do you want me to help you?"

"Taraji don't you fucking dare!"

"You're not ready Onika!"

"You know what, fuck you too Taraji!" I grabbed up my purse and phone and beelined out of her office. As soon as I made it out the office building tears began to cloud my vision again. When I got in my car, I let out a gut-wrenching scream. My hands were shaking, and my breathing picked back up. Erratically, I reached for my bottle of Alprazolam popping two pills quickly in my mouth. I laid with my head against the wheel waiting for it to affect.

Once I was calm, I drove a few blocks to my favorite coffee shop to get a bite before heading back to work. When I stepped in the shop it was slightly packed with a few familiar faces from work. I calmy hopped in the line with my head down, not really in the mood for conversations. I was scrolling through my phone when a text message from Sheree came through. It was a birthday invitation along with a gift registry for my niece Sarai. I quickly scrolled the registry when my eyes landed on a pink barbie bike, my eyes skipped the priced and swiped left to order instead. By the time I checked off getting her birthday gift off the list it was time for me to place my order, before I could speak someone came behind me.