ONE.

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ONE ;
awkward.

E,

I don't really know what i'm supposed to write in these things, if i'm honest. It feels awkward and forced and so incredibly wrong. All things I never thought i'd have to associate with you.

But to be fair, I never thought i'd associate a lot of emotions with you. Love and happiness and grief and heartbreak. So many conflicting emotions that I don't know what the fuck to do with. I was terrified to love you and once I had you? I was even more scared of losing you.

It doesn't change the fact that I lost you anyways.

My therapist, her name is Sienna by the way, thinks this will be a good outlet for me. She told me to write down whatever i'm feeling and never look at the letters again but I don't think she quite understands that I don't even know what i'm feeling right now. Devastated and angry and so terribly lonely? That should be the obvious answer, right? Sure, that was all I felt the first few days. But now?

It's been two weeks and I never even considered just how numb I would feel after you were gone.

Numbness should be an emotion i'm familiar with, and in a way I sort of am. It's not exactly the same as it used to be, though. Before I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't sleep or eat or think and holy shit I wish that was the case now. It seems like alls i've been able to do is think and every thought is always about you.

That's not that different from when you were here.

I'll admit, it is ten times more painful now though. I never would have guessed that just the mere thought of someone who meant the world to me could ever be painful.

But it is. And I think it might always be.

How am I supposed to learn to live with that?

...

How am I supposed to learn to live without you?

It was always supposed to be me and you against the world forever. Everyone tells me that it can still be like that. That you'll never truly leave me or some shit like that.

Honestly? I just wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone. You're the only one I want to talk to and if this is the only way I can do that now I guess it'll have to do.

I love you forever.

Yours,
Will

𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐃𝐒, w.sootWhere stories live. Discover now