NINETEEN ;
guilt.
E,
I've said it several times already in these letters, but I'll say it once again. Grief is a weird thing. I expected the sadness. I learned to deal with the anger. I don't think i'll ever get over the loneliness. But one thing that I didn't really expect was the guilt.
I've been feeling guilty for every little thing lately. For smiling when you'll never smile again. For laughing when I can't even remember your laugh anymore. For breathing when you've already taken your last breath. For letting myself heal when the wound is still so fresh.
Simply continuing to exist has made me feel guiltier than I ever have. Guilt is slow and powerful and it's fucking eating me alive. It doesn't care that I would gladly swap places with you, just like grief doesn't care that it's been a year and a half.
Healing is weird too. Some days I feel okay. Not good and not bad. Just okay. Those are the days that i'm more than willing to go see my friends. Other days it still feels fresh. Like the wound in my heart reopened and became infected or some shit like that. I'm too tired to think of fancy metaphors for how shitty I feel sometimes, but I think you get what i'm trying to say. You always had a weird way of knowing exactly what I meant, even when I was saying complete nonsense. It always kind of freaked me out, but it's also something I had always been extremely grateful for.
I am okay right now. But a lot of the time i'm not and I guess that's what healing looks like.
Weird, huh?
I love you.
Yours,
Will
YOU ARE READING
𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐃𝐒, w.soot
FanfictionWatch the bright eyes as they slowly sink into sleep And that same old silence that I've come to know Every time I find it when there's nowhere left to go or " I wish I could hate you even half as much...
