𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐃𝐒, w.soot

TEN.

TEN ;
sad.

E,

You ruined me.

and isn't that ironic considering you were also the only one to ever make me feel completely whole? It's almost funny in a sick and twisted sort of way how things work out like that.

Anger is not a foreign concept to me. And for a long time, it was all I felt. Familiar, but different. Like sadness set on fire. It took a long time for me to realize that it was just grief with a mask on. I had always associated grief with sadness, but I never really thought about the anger.

Somedays, I almost miss it.

Things have been bad again. I know i've said that a few times already, but it's never been as bad as it is right now.

I'm just sad, E.

The kind of sadness that leaves no room for any anger or other emotions. The kind of sadness that is overwhelming, that makes even the simplest things, like breathing, painful. Not the kind that makes you lash out and take out your emotions on people that don't deserve it. The kind of sadness you feel deep in your soul. It's just sadness. Sadness that has made it nearly impossible for me to get out of bed.

Every other extreme emotion i've had has been so ridiculously hard to explain, but not this one.

I imagine you in bed next to me, pressing your cold feet against my legs just because you liked to make me squirm. I imagine you in every empty seat next to me. I imagine you everywhere, E. Because you are. You were so tangled up into my life that everything I own, everywhere i look, has you.

Before, I was happy about it. But memories are the most painful kind of torture I can imagine right now, and everything just hurts so bad. I've been trying to write down how I feel for weeks, because this is a lingering sadness that i'm afraid i'll never escape from, but every time I tried, no words came. That's why so many pages before this one are empty. I don't think words could have described it any better.

I don't think you would understand, and that's okay. Most people around me don't. I don't think anybody would get it until they found themselves staring outside of their window every night, praying for a shooting star that would make whoever they lost come back.

I miss you so much. More than you will ever know.

I love you.

Yours,
Will