Elysium

Loss of Self 22

The library was now completely in rubble and ruins. It was a complete disaster and I stood alone. Leo had seen the entire mess, and surprisingly didn't attack me upon my return. He stood on the other side of the mess, staring at me with an agonized expression. Looking around me now, it seemed the rest of the house was in similar condition, not that it mattered, it'd recover soon enough anyway. The roof and ceiling were wiped completely off and the walls were knocked down as well. It was as if the house got bombed and rotted away with time.

Everything was just gray, there was no light, there was no happiness, simply grayness and a sense of melancholy lingered in the air. It was the type of feeling that lingered in your throat, making you want to vomit, and the kind of feeling in your chest, a paralyzing dread. There was no easy way to say it, I was never going to see Sal or Lucius again in this life. They were gone and it's all because of me. They didn't want to come back anymore, not ever again. If I hadn't had met them, would they be happier now? I was just another monster, no better than Lucifer, no better than anyone.

I'm not sure what expression was on my face but Leo suddenly approached me, holding me tightly to him. I don't respond, he doesn't say anything either. His hand gently strokes my hair, petting me. His body is warm, I feel my body beginning to tremble. I stare past him, staring blankly at nothing. My trembling continues, and my face suddenly feels wet. I slowly reach to touch my face and realize I am crying. Silence again. Leo holds me tighter, and I hear a terrible screaming, a scream of unfathomable agony. It takes me a moment to realize, it is my own. I can't stop screaming, and I dig my nails into my hair, crying and screaming uncontrollably. Leo gently removes my hands and forces me to dig my nails into him. The grayness surrounding us in this cruel world....

***

She cried for a long time. It's my fault she felt all this pain wasn't it? I never wanted this at all, I just wanted Reficul to come back. I just wanted her to be with me again. I didn't have the strength to apologize, all I could do is hold her as she screamed. After a few hours she finally stopped, tears stained on her cheeks, her blonde hair glued to her face. Her usual bright eyes were empty and lost. I'm sorry I think to myself, I should've just taken her away from them, they were only human anyways, there's no way they would be able to find her. I had let my jealousy consume me again. I don't blame Reficul if she never loved me again, she had no reason too. Because of my actions, Xiomara was also injured, hurting Reficul even more. What was I doing? I was supposed to protect her, yet all I did was cause her pain. She sniffled suddenly and looked up at me, her nose red from her breakdown.

"I want to bury them."

Her voice was hoarse, but still rang beautifully in my ears.

"Bury them?"

I ask, my voice calm, staring deeply into her eyes.

She nods childishly.

"I want them to exist forever, I never want to forget them again."

A tinge of jealousy courses through me and I push it away with needed effort.

"Alright, we can bury them, but their bodies...."

I trail off, remembering our feast many nights ago. This was the first time Reficul had ever suggested burying them, I couldn't help but feel agitated. Was she ever going to stop this game of hers? Reficul shook her head.

"That doesn't matter, it's their spirits that count."

I feel my eyebrows raise, not understanding the need to bury someone like them. I then feel a soft smile spread across my lips, remembering how caring she truly was. This is what I loved about her, I never wanted anybody else to have the love that she had to give.