Elysium

The Beginning 32

I had lost count of the amount of time I had wasted going in circles with this meaningless game. I had grown so apathetic to the pieces that I tried so desperately to keep that I had lost any sense of happiness to begin with. I wasn't happy here, but I was even less happy being stuck with Lucifer and the horrors of the past. This was my home, my mansion. The world that Lucifer barged into to try to belong in with me.

I was done playing this game. Running away and accomplishing nothing in the process. Holding onto the corpse of a large white wolf and resting my head on top of her, my golden hair hugging her gently. My best friend had to be lost in my own selfishness and I knew this finally just had to stop.

Lucifer was laying in the grass, motionless and his eyes shut closed. He was deathly pale and I liked him better this way - when he stopped talking. A gaping hole was in his chest and I was holding his heart in my hand, staining her white fur in blood.

I didn't need Lucius anymore. I didn't need Sal anymore. I didn't need Lucifer.

I needed to be myself again somehow.

No matter how hard it was to be alone, I needed to accept all the pieces of myself again and get better or else I'd never be happy.

I remembered the words of another version of myself. Fearful blue eyes and warm brown hair.

"You don't know what love is."

I was furious at the time because I didn't understand what she meant. She was right. Whatever I had been chasing for so long had never been close to love at all. Constant abuse and being locked in a cage. I couldn't see it due to my desperation at all. I was so blinded by what I wanted that I didn't see what was important.

The other girl with her. The one that was always there in the beginning. Since she had golden eyes and red hair. I wondered what she was doing there with her. They looked so happy, so warm, and I was jealous. I felt everything when I killed them. I felt everything when that version of myself came back inside me. All the love and genuine adoration that they shared between each other. I ruined it when you wanted to be with me this entire time. Black hair, violet eyes, the other version of you. Why did I let you go then? Why did it all have to end up like this when it never had to in the first place?

I should have just listened to her in the first place. She's always right about me and everything. The only one who accepted me for me and I killed her.

I pressed my lips against the wolf's head gently and slowly rested her in the grass. Wildflowers began to bloom around her body and I looked back at Lucifer and Xiomara one last time.

I would get it all back. I would accept all the pieces of myself that I erased and perhaps... Perhaps I could host one final game and see you all again.

Perhaps... you'll really come save someone like me after all.

This isn't a romance, no, not in the slightest. It's a tragedy and by all means infatuation; However, at the same time, it's a beautiful dance - a desired, blissful one. I had never been able to do anything right, I kept letting my selfishness get in the way with what was truly good. I was never truly alone, I was always there watching, seeing you smile. I need to kill off this brutal cycle of unhappiness and misery.

But this isn't goodbye, it's simply a goodnight and see you later.