London Has Your Eyes

Chapter 40. Anton

I've already lost count of the days. They become like one another. I get up, feel the hole inside me again, try to drown it out, and the day ends. My life is going downhill and I don't know how to make it stop.

When Sanya jumps out of my flat, I plop down on the couch. The blood pulses in my temples. Being with her turned out to be torture. I figured it out. Shit. I've been fooling myself for so long. I still love her.

Cheating on Olivia was inevitable. I realized this when the emotions subsided, and I started replaying our relationship in my head for the millionth time. No matter how hard we tried, we were doomed. Not even like that. The harder we tried, the more we were doomed.

Sanya still lives in my heart. I never got over her. We were happy living in Moscow. I dreamed of spending my life together with her. But she stubbornly refused.

When I got the job offer in London, I couldn't refuse. I'd waited so long for this chance. It only comes once. I knew I'd blame myself for the rest of my life if I refuse. And I'd never be able to jump any higher.

I was so excited that evening. We went to the restaurant, ordered wine. I was as excited as a boy. Sanya always loved our dates. She dressed up, and I devoured her with my eyes.

It was as if she felt that this evening would be special. And it could be. Her stunning blue eyes shone with such warmth and love that I could look into them forever.

- What's the matter, Anton? - she asked then. - I feel like you're going to propose again. Why such solemnity and excitement?

- Sanya, I'm... ready to ask you to marry me every day of our lives. You know that. But today I want to celebrate, - I started from afar.

- Do we have a reason? - she wondered.

The waiter brought her favourite wine and filled our glasses.

- Well, I'm all ears. What happened?

- I got the job! I got an offer from London. Remember that company I used to dream about joining? Dreams come true, Sanya!! I got a place. It's such a big leap in my career. I feel like I've been waiting for this my whole life.

She looked at me with such longing, then lowered her eyes.

- London? You mean... have to leave Moscow? - Her voice turned to a whisper.

- Of course! We'll move to London, we'll travel, get to know another culture. Everything will be different. You and I...

- But I'm not going to move anywhere, - she interrupted me quietly. - My life is here, in Moscow. Max is studying here, I have my career here too. What am I going to do in London? Work as a salesman in a store? I don't want to start all over again. I'm really happy for you, Anton, but I'm not ready to change my life so fast. I have no idea what I'm going to do there. I'm not ready for that.

- Sanya, please don't be so categorical. We'll be together! We're gonna make it! - I was sure of it.

- No, I'm not. I don't agree. You'll come to a new place, new acquaintances, people, places, emotions will begin. That's awesome! Seriously! But I will remain unrealized. And either I'll turn into a pet, or into a crazy mom who lives the lives of others. I don't want this.

- So what do we do? I can't refuse this offer. I've been waiting for it all my life.

- I know... and I'm not asking you to... I love you very much... I think you know the answer to your question, - she raised her beautiful eyes full of tears at me. - There's only one way out: I have to let you go...

She continued to cry quietly, and I didn't know where to put myself. All I wanted to do was to hold her tightly and take all her sadness away. But I was the source of that sadness.