PRIDE » Zarry ✅

1: You Always Know

"You always know." They say. When you're a gay man, it's no secret to you. Sure, you may have been confused at first. But ultimately you always know that there is something different about you. A reason why you just don't seem to fit in the same places most of the other guys do.

Maybe it starts slow. Like getting butterflies in your stomach in middle school because Damien Wyze brushed against your fingers when he was borrowing a pencil from you. You'd equated it to the fact that you must be special because he asked you of all people for that pencil. When in reality, you were just the closest one to him and also notoriously known for being ridiculously prepared and overstocked on school supplies.

Or maybe it was that one defining moment or experience. For example junior year when you and your friends were at the homecoming football game and your friends were gawking over Missy Garrett who was walking across the football field with her senior quarterback boyfriend Jake McMillan. Yet, you were secretly gawking over the quarterback and how good he looked in his navy blue suit.

If that sounds quite specific, that's because it is. I am the one who secretly wanted the quarterback. Yes me. Harry Styles.

You see, the person we are most intimate with is ourselves. No one knows us better than we do. The trickiest part comes when someone else is threatening to know. Someone who, if they found out, would never view us the same again. That's when we began to suppress our real selves. When we begin to wear a mask so thick that even when we look in the mirror, it's hard to recognize who we truly are. Or worse, we start to believe it's better to be and to believe we are someone else.

That's what I struggeled with.

The biggest obstacle in my life was actually created before I was born. Desmond Styles had created his own cologne and invested in it with money from his personal savings account. It turned out betting on himself was the right idea. Because he soon brought his cologne into production, began selling it all around the world and became a multimillionaire when he was my age. Twenty five, that is.

Then he met and married my mother, Anne, who became Anne Styles. Not long after, I was born.

Because my father owned such a big company, I grew up in a big city. Public schools, city buses, stores within walking distance. That was my life. Not to mention the mansion I got to live in. And I was lucky too. I didn't need a nanny to take care of me like my other rich friends had. I had my mother who stayed at home.

But then one day, I heard my parents arguing in the living room. I later found out my father had cheated on my mother with his accountant. It was a one night stand. They'd been working late in the office one night while preparing for an audit and she made a pass that he couldn't resist.

I was twelve then. I couldn't understand how my father could let a woman come between him and my mother the way he did. Didn't he love her? He always said he did. But that night sure didn't prove it. And I guess my mother felt the same way because they soon separated.

Most of the time when a couple gets separated, it's to get divorced. But not my parents. They just weren't ready to take it that far yet. My father really did love my mother and she loved him. And together, they loved me. The last thing they wanted to do was put me through a divorce process as I was starting middle school. So I went through middle school and high school visiting back and forth to my parents. They'd even gone as far as starting relationships with other people. But they would end as quickly as they started because they weren't each other.

It wasn't until after I had been away at college for a while that my parents began to feel lonely again. Apparently I was the median between the two the whole time. When I would come visit, they could always ask me how the other was doing. But with me away, I no longer had access to that information and they didn't like the idea of not knowing they were okay. Therefore, they slowly began to reconnect.