PRIDE » Zarry ✅

8: That's The Thing

It's true. I am an adult and I can make my own choices. So I can see exactly why someone would see me in my position and think "why don't you just say no?" But the the truth is it was my parents who taught me that life wouldn't always be what I wanted it to be. They taught me how important it was to heed others' advice, especially those older and wiser than me. But most of all, they taught me that while comprise is important, sometimes things go beyond compromise and require sacrifice instead. And it was that last part that was really engrained in me because my father led by example.

Growing up, he made many sacrifices. He sacrificed a decade of being with my mother for a thirty minute sexual encounter with his accountant. He sacrificed time with me so he could be at work and build his company. And he sacrificed his morals sometimes if it meant bringing on that new partner, securing that big contract or selling the next product.

So I knew all about sacrifice. And because my father taught by example, I knew I was expected to follow that. The same way I was expected to run the company. Because in the end, it was all for the greater good.

There were many times I would lay in bed at night and ask myself many questions. If being gay disappointed my parents, why was I like this? Why was I expected to put on a front? Couldn't life be easier? If a man likes a man, why does that make him worse than a woman because he's man also? If I like the look of a man, feel of a man, taste of a man, why should that be viewed any different that a woman who likes the same thing? Couldn't people just be people? Or was it because together we don't bring children into the world on our own? Was that why?

I didn't delve much into my purpose in life. It was too overwhelming to think about the possibilty that I was not living up to it. But sometimes I would wonder if that was a hindrance. If the fact that I didn't want to understand what I should be doing in life outside of what my father wanted was the reason I was so damn afraid to come out.

But that was the sacrifice. It was everything my father had taught me. I didn't need to know anything more than that. Or so I was told. And I believed it.

"And so that's pretty much how I make sure they're balanced at the end of the month. And you can check over my work if you want."

I quickly shook my head.

"No, I'm fine. That's your job and I'm sure you're doing a great job."

"Yeah, but you have to be familiar with it like your dad said. Remember?"

I knew he was right. So I rested my hand on the desk and leaned over him to look at the computer. But I was only staring at the screen. Not really looking at it. Just pretending.

"Looks right to me." I finally said.

"Okay then. We move on. Once you've checked that, record it in the log with the date and amounts. We do this to make sure the money that's going in is still there unless a department has spent some of it. Which in that case it has already been approved by your father and their proof of purchase and transaction reports have come across his desk. That way when it's time to audit they'll know if I'm stealing anything or not. Which, I'm not by the way."

"But arent you, though?" I said.

"Excuse me?"

"Relax. I just mean my heart. Haha."

When I saw him looking at me in a way that meant he didn't think my joke was funny, I leaned in and tried to kiss his frown away. But he quickly pulled back.

"Whoa, what do you think you're doing? The door isn't locked."

I jumped back too.

For the first time, I had actually allowed myself to forget. I wanted to go for it and I did. There was no forethought, no risk assessment, no nothing. Was that what it was like to be out? Did I just have the opportunity to experience that for the first time and not know it? I think I did. Wow.