Thoughts

3:24pm 29-06-20

she said i had to deal with it. express it and confront it, not suppress it and forget it. she said if i didn't, i'd lose control of it. 

she was right.

i have lost control before and projected it onto other people. i have cried and been so overwhelmed by the strength of the feelings inside of me that i forced people to share the burden of it.

it wasn't fair

but now, i'm doing it again.

i can feel it all spiralling inside me, but i don't think anyone else has noticed it yet. part of me wants them to. part of me wants someone to care enough to allow me to share my pain with them. part of me wants to pick up the phone and call somebody. force them to shoulder my burden again.

maybe it'll be easier that way.

but most of me wants to keep it a secret and not let anyone know of the divide within me; not let them know of the pain, of the brokenness. it's for me to deal with and me alone.

but i'm not dealing.

i'm not coping.

i feel like i'm drowning and all i want to do is scream.

i don't understand me. i had the opportunity to get advice, to vent and to set it all free. that's what she's there for. but all i did was deflect. change the subject, make it a joke, go stoic.

i need to stop.

i need to reflect and build. grow, let myself heal. but i'm trapped in this cycle of repression, bottling everything up until there is no room anymore and then flooding the fortress built on my "independence". 

i'm not sure i can escape this.

she said i lived in this palace, built from the solid foundations of my belief in my own strength, individualism and worth. he came into my palace and lured me out. i didn't even know there was an outside before him.  but he had his little hut, made of the wood that represented his emotion, his temper, his depression. in there, i was his and he controlled me. the longer i stayed, not maintaining my palace, it began to corrode and the foundations began to crack. 

now i've returned

but the palace is collapsing around me and i can't do anything but continue to tear it down because it's my own fucking fault. 

no one else sees that though.

they sees the strong walls that i built around the palace to keep them out. to stop them from seeing the disrepair. but the more i lose control, the more i spiral, the more cracks start to appear, spreading right through to the walls. 

none of my reparations seem to last.