Thoughts

5:49pm 16-01-18

i don't think this is healthy. we go from so happy and so in love to anger and breaking hearts in seconds, and then we go back again.

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why do i keep blaming myself?

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why do you do this? why do you hurt me as a way to get over your anger? this emotional turmoil is getting to be too much.

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i always thought that the heartbreak would be quick. that the heart would shatter on the floor like glass and all the pain is you getting cuts as you scrape it against your bare hands trying to clean it all up. 

i was wrong. 

heartbreaks take their time, and they drag out. a heartbreak feels like someone tugged on a loose thread of your heart and it is slowly unravelling more and more as it gets caught on the memories and the reminders.

and if heartbreak is the thread unravelling, then falling in love is giving someone else that loose thread and complete control on whether or not they pull it. falling in love is trusting that they won't pull it.

and maybe that's why heartbreak hurts so god damn much. because you put your trust in them. you trusted they wouldn't pull that god damn loose thread and they did. so not only is your heart unravelling, but your mind is in shambles, processing the betrayal.

maybe the phrase "tying the knot" came from this loose thread too. maybe you tie a not between the two loose threads when you get married. and maybe when you divorce, the knot is cut in the middle, maybe a tad more to one side.and maybe the marriages that end badly means that they tugged on your 'heartstrings' and unravelled your heart before they cut the strings.

maybe "no strings attached" also came from this. maybe this is where all of those phrases about threads and strings and attachments came from and maybe i'm only just figuring it all out. and maybe i'm right and maybe i'm so far off the mark that i could be laughed at. 

but i'm losing my mind as my heart unravels at the sight of another photo of you and maybe this is the way i'm coping with it. so just leave me, and my unraveling heart to figure this out.