I feel like I need to write something down. I feel like I need to tell you something. I feel like I need to remember everything about what she said and the way it made me feel. I feel like you need to know it too.
Why was it always a competition? Why couldn't I have a bad day without yours being worse? Why could I not feel anything without needing you to validate it? Why do I still feel the need to justify every single thought and emotion to you as if you were still here telling me to just get over it? Why did I never trace this back to you earlier?
Why did you break me like this? Why did you hurt me in so many different ways that it's been 4 years and I'm still only just discovering which parts of me are the parts that you screwed up? Why do I still blame myself more than I blame you?
Fuck me, I wish I could just be angry at you. I wish I could hate you. WHY DON'T I HATE YOU? I wish I could get over it. I wish it would hurt less. I wish it never happened.
I've always said that I don't have any regrets in life because my experiences made me who I am, and I could always learn from it. When it came to you, I have always applied that principle. You made me who I am. But I don't like those parts. I didn't learn anything good from this. How is it that I wish it never happened and cannot find a single good thing that came from it, but I don't regret it?
Why does part of me still love you enough, still care for you enough, still so fucking attached to you, that the bad is on me and I would do it again if only to do it better this time.
This wasn't my fault. There is nothing I could do better. This was all YOU.
And yet ... if I could ... I would be better.
YOU ARE READING
Thoughts
PoetryJust a collection of thoughts and emotions that were felt too intensely to be dealt with on my own.
