Thoughts

1:53am 30-08-18

I've finally done it. I pushed everyone I loved and cared about away from me because I was so scared of myself. I was so scared of the power of all of my emotions that I pushed away the only people who could help. and now here I am, at 1:53 in the morning, bawling my eyes out because I've got no one left. no one to call, no one to help. I'm alone in everything and I just don't know what to do. I was protecting them. I was doing the right thing, wasn't I? protecting them from becoming as fucked up as I am. so they didn't have to type a fucking note onto their phone about everything that they were feeling, about how their heart was literally breaking, and how they felt like they couldn't breathe and like every important part of them was missing. I don't want them to feel like this. I was only protecting them from this. but I think I've destroyed myself further in the process and I don't know how to handle it. and it's not like I can ask anyone for help. I have no one. and I have nothing except the photos frames that line my walls full of happy faces. I miss her. the girl in the photos. the one who loved taking photos and taking selfies and having those memories of her happiness there for her to keep forever. I wonder what she'd say if she saw who she grew up to be. I wonder what advice she'd give me. I wonder if she thinks I did the right thing. because i just don't know. i don't know anything anymore.

~

I didn't want to be the person who walked away so easily, but I'm sorry, because I've already given up.

~

I think I fell in love with him. somewhere in between the jokes and the tears, I fell in love with him and I knew I shouldn't have. I wish I hadn't.