Thoughts

1:19am 11-06-17

you put up a wall that no one can break through

And is that such a bad thing? Why do I have to let them in? Why should I tell the meaning of my tattoos and why should I tell them about my previous heartbreak? Why is it that everyone wants to know who I am but hide themselves behind their own walls? Why do people want to see the cracks behind the paint, and the unspeakable damage of the inside? Why do people want to pierce the dam wall and flood the world around us? Why should I let someone in, just so they can leave? Why should I let them break me? Why should I let them pick me up, when I can just never fall?

•

Another sip and my stare became more distant than the last

My mind numbs and my body continues to shut down

A tear falls and another drink banishes thoughts of the past

My heart shatters and slowly falls my crown

I was his princess, he was my prince

We danced, I took a step closer, and then it was a broken spell

And it hasn't been the same ever since

The music stopped playing, and all that was to be heard was the chime of the final bell

Numb and drunk, I prayed

I prayed for peace and I prayed for love

Most of all, I prayed you stayed

But no one looked down from above

•

The moon was high, the stars were bright, the field was wide, the grass long. The fire was still ablaze, the tent was set up far away. You smiled at me, I smiled at you. You got a text, you checked it and replied back quick. I asked who it was from and you said that it was just your sister checking up on us. I let the lie slip because it was the first night.

The candles burned, the lights shone, the cutlery polished, the food divine. The restaurant was really busy, the limo nothing short of amazing. You paid for the meals, I paid for the drinks. You got a text, you checked it but never replied. You said your best friend was a pain and walked out. I let the lie slip because you didn't answer it this time.

Your breath was hot, your skin smooth, the sheets were silk, the bed big. The atmosphere was sexy, the room had never been so dark. You kissed me, and then again somewhere new. You got a text, you checked it then placed it back down. You rolled your eyes and said "mothers" before continuing with what we were doing. I let the lie slip because we were having a good time.

The waves rolled in, the sand soft, the moon was appearing, the sun dull. The sky was a multitude of colours, the water was as clear as my new crystal earrings. You splashed me, I splashed you back. You kept getting phone calls, you eventually answered and was gone for half an hour. You said your friends girlfriends dog had died and your friend didn't know how to deal with her. I let the lie slip because you looked really annoyed.

The music played loudly, lights flashed, the ground was slippery as sweat dripped. The bodies were hot as they pressed together, the skirts barely covering and shorts not hiding the arousal. You kept your hands on me and I didn't move them. You saw someone, and walked over to talk to them. I kept dancing, and then you came back saying it was the wrong person. I let the lie slip because it didn't matter, did it?

The day was nice, the sun burned, the water glistened, the air fresh. The clouds rolled in quickly, and the rain started to bucket down. I was alone as I ran to cover. I saw you, with her, and so I texted you. You checked it and replied quickly, "sorry baby, I'm busy with dad". I let the lie slip because you loved me, didn't you?

The furniture was upturned, glass shattered, the neighbours heard everything, the screams echoed. Accusations were thrown every which way, and allegations were dodged for own safety. You yelled and then begged for forgiveness, but I didn't give you anything. You got more texts, more phone calls, and you answered every single one. You made up more and more excuses, each one more unbelievable than the last. I didn't let the lie slip this time.

The dress was borrowed, the flowers blue, the hairpin was old, the shoes new. The bells rang in the same way they always did, and everyone around was smiling, a few shedding tears of joy. The priest asked him, he said "I do" and I did too. I was happy because he wasn't you. There were no excuses on either end. And he didn't have any lies I had to let slip.

•

You had laid out the flowers at the base of the bed, you had set up the candles in a very precise manner. You played music and gave me an expensive dress. You put on my necklace and gotten me a drink. Little did I realise that the flowers were dead, the candles burnt everything down, the music was crude and the dress was too tight. The necklace suffocated me and the drink was spiked. You kissed me and for a moment everything was sweet, before it all turned sour. You were poisonous, and I was dreaming. I wish I had known it was all pretend, but I admit, the illusion was beautiful.