Thoughts

4:18pm 25-04-19

I found that i can't write properly unless theres something nagging at my mind. but it has to be one thing so i can focus my energy on that. but lately every second of my existence continues to snag on the loose edges of my mind until everything is pulling at me.

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trust is such bullshit. this whole thing of trust really fucks with me. because i couldn't trust other people until i trusted myself - something that i didn't know until i lost trust in myself so completely. 

you see, what i've found is that trusting yourself can be broken up to many different things and it effects many areas of your life.

losing trust in you judgement has been by far the worse. because once you lose trust in your judgement, you lose trust in everyone else. you don't know whether on not you are right to trust someone and so you just don't. then theres not knowing whether or not you should go to something and you tell yourself that you should, but you don't trust you. so you just don't.

theres also losing trust in your ability to do shit. and then you sit there and stare at whatever it is and think that you can't. you become paralysed by the fear of doing something because what if you can't do it and you embarrass yourself, or you hurt yourself or someone else or worse. so you just don't.

and then you lose trust in your beliefs. everything that drove you before becomes almost obsolete and so you're left with no motivation, nothing really keeping you here on earth anymore. and so you wished that you just weren't.

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i feel like things are almost getting harder. but like they're not at the same time. like i'm not getting better, probably getting worse, but i'm getting used to this state of misery.