Behind Curtains (ONGOING)

Kabanata 45

Kabanata 45

Lala

"Japan ba kayo after revalida?" tanong ni Tricia nang nakapasok na kami sa CR.

May hiwalay na toilet room ang mga couches, kaya roon na kami. May bantay at medyo tahimik. At kung ikukumpara sa komun ay mas nalilinisan naman, kahit papaano.

The toilet room only consisted of three cubicles, wala sa sarili na akong tumungo sa pinakagilid na bukas.

"Yuhhh..." si Denise, I overheard while peeing.

"Wow, yaman... Pasalubong ha! OA niyo naman!"

"Anong OA doon? Japan nga lang..."

"OA 'no! La Union nga lang kami?!"

"Hindi naman kami mag-Eu-Europe, mas OA kaya 'yon!"

These two were friends since elementary, and as far as I can remember, there was a point in my childhood where I wanted to be in on their dynamic.

At some point then, I even wordlessly bribed Denise for her friendship when I randomly offered her my Dad's Frogman. Hindi ko rin alam kung papaano ko naisip 'yon. Basta ang alam ko noon ay ibibigay ko iyon kay Denise, dahil sinabi niyang maganda raw iyong suot kong relo. At some point, then, I thought Denise would take me a closer friend if she knew I was capable of giving her something... pricey. And I was just then a full-fledged Elementary school girl! Geez!

The things I'd do for special attention! Hay. I should've then foresaw my road to self-destruction. Kung sana'y pina-therapy na ako noon at agad na naagapan, bago pa man ako lumala ng ganito.

My mother should've properly addressed my jealousy everytime I wildly exhibited it. Instead of scolding me and berating me for being ungrateful, she should've sent me to the shrink for it. But, no. When you're a stellar student, your parents will only look away at all your other character flaws. They will only label them growing pains, weigh in your better traits, and then go on with their life.

But growing pains tend to develop into complexes. And complexes, more often than not, can lead to more trauma and regression, in a bad way.

Because, honestly, growing up, no matter how many times I tell myself to be more grateful of my circumstances, my endless inadequacy still pushed me so I'd envy a lot of people. Buti sana kung ang inggit na nabubuo roon ay inuudyok ako para magbago at umasenso, pero hindi, e. I instead only lament on the envy, feel smaller against it and move further away from whaterver situation that would seek it.

Instead of feeling motivated by the material things I should want like everyone else, my choices led me so that I'd tear myself away from any forms of success and material satisfaction, screaming that everything was just a simulation anyway, and we were all but just a speck of dust, even if that fact doesn't really matter in a society and I really do not have any proof of the mere theories. 

I was just functioning on a big bag of bullshit, so I could justify the current personal life that even I, too, do not actually want. 

So I could justify why... I was just terrified of change, putting in effort, and getting humiliated... by the mere fact that even at my best, and despite my sincerity, I still wasn't good enough.

I could reason that nobody really knows exactly what they want in life, especially in their 20's, and argue that no one could really touch what the future holds. Or that maybe the grass was greener only because it stayed on the other side. But that would all just be mere excuses for my idiocy, when most everyone I knew now were already gearing themselves to a lifetime of commitment and stability.