Behind Curtains (ONGOING)

Kabanata 19

Kabanata 19

Time

"Sharing meals is an act of intimacy," panimula ko. "And I shouldn't eat with you, because you are my master. Why do you think servants eat separately from their amo? Only people of equal stature eat together. On the same table. 'Di ba aware ka naman? You've had househelps since you were born."

"That is archaic—"

"Archaic, but that's what you do," I pointed, which silenced him. "Not that I am entirely against it. Your household heirarchy puts me in place. And if that is also helpful in bringing world peace, then so be it."

"Fine," he pursed his lips, wanting to dismiss that topic. "But how do you explain not wanting to eat across each other?"

Tinitigan ko siya ng mariin, while mentally ruffling through my irrational principles.

Ever since people started telling me it was visually satisfying for them to watch me eat, I was not at all bothered. At first. Until I was. 

Since strangers consider my way of eating an interesting conversational starter, I decided to stop eating in front of people I barely even know. Hindi nakaka-babae ang tinititigan habang kumakain! It makes me extra conscious. Nawawalan tuloy ako ng gana!

"Eating together improves bonding, Sir Killian," I informed him. "Why do you think Lady Linda implores that all of you eat as a family? And why do you think people eat to celebrate?"

Natahimik siya roon, and glared at the centerpiece on his table. But, I still continued.

"At, househelp mo nga ako, Sir, alam mo bang may mga country club na hindi pinapapasok ang mga katulong?"

Now he turned to glare at me.

"Should I pay you extra, then?" tanong niyang may halong pangungutya at pakiramdam ko'y naiinis na. "For the extra services you provide me?"

I exhaled sharply.

"Sure... if only I was a prostitute. But I'm not," ningitian ko siya ng pagak. "So whatever I give you in your bedroom, that's from the tipsy girl who offered you her virginity on New Year's Eve."

Bumagsak ang kanyang tingin and clenched his jaw, looking disheartened, hurt and disappointed. And for a moment, I forgot that this man was of money and of power and I felt sorry.

For a moment, I wanted to take back everything that I had said at sana'y pinigilan nalang ang sariling sumabat-sabat pa. I really should stop rebelling. It wasn't a good look. Marahas akong bumuntong-hininga and took a step closer towards him at sinubukan na hilahin ang kanyang mukha. 

This man was more than 6 feet tall. Big and heavy, that if he did not want to be pulled ay talagang hindi 'yon mangyayari. He looked at me coldly as I almost attempted to climb him. 

Pero nagmatigas siya. Mariin ko ulit siya na tinitigan before sighing again and settled on leaning against his chest, at malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib.

Somewhat panicking, my chest was going nuts today and I realized it had been years and years since I last talked about how strongly I stand on things... na hindi pinagmumukhang tanga, walang kwenta at binabalewala. I can be hypocritical, easily convinced, and honestly, had no right to be an advocate even on my own ideals.

But, fuck it, it just felt really good talking about my take on anything.

It made me remember a bit of myself before I decided to throw away my better future, at piniling magpakasarap nalang sa buhay. Like a fucking deadbeat. A hippie. Tambay.