My brains about to explode if i dont write my thoughts. Its just jumbled half sentences that my brain wont even finish because it hops on to the next thing thats bothering me.
I love psychology and im really good at it so i can usually recognize signs of abuse and trauma but when its me that im trying to psychoanalyze i blank. Maybe i dont blank, maybe i just dont want to be honest with myself, or maybe im so broken at this point that i just cant see it.
Everyone tells me i need to stop, that this is my chance to be happy, but why is it i feel worse now than i ever did when she was around? Why do i need her voice to say "i love you" before i shut off my light? How can people say its not love that i feel when its only her on my mind day and night?
What happened hurt me and i dont want to be hurt again but being without her is hurting more than what she did so whats the point in punishing myself? I know its because she needs to get better but what if i lose her in the process? What if these feelings never go away?
She says she loves me and then she hurts me, is it purposeful or is she just in need of help? If its the latter then wouldnt it be messed up to leave her when she needed me the most? Im afraid that she will move on but im even more afraid that i wont, if she moves on and im stuck in a perpetual darkness of loving someone that will never love me back. I understand that is common but she isnt just some girl i have a thing for for a short time, she was my world, my rock, she was always there for me, noone saw that side of her though. She was so helpful around the house and pushed me to work hard and care about things that i normally wouldnt. She made me a better person in alot of ways.
I dont think i was a good husband. I noticed things about myself that i have never seen before and they were things i hated. I didnt show affection as much as i should have, i think thats one of the main reasons we are where we are. If she can blame her childhood so can i, i was an only child and she was only my 2nd girlfriend i wasnt use to showing affection but i felt it in my heart, i think she saw that the night before she left and thats what made her sorry.
Anyways, its hard to write this stuff cause my brain keeps replaying and repeating these thoughts over and over. My heart is broken thats for sure. No will to eat. No drive to work. No desire to do things i used to enjoy. No want to socialize. I feel like without the person i love being beside me life just feels... empty. Make no mistake im not going to hurt myself that thought has never even crossed my mind but from the moment i wake up i question why even bother getting out of bed? Is that what depression is or is this something more? Philisophical Nihilism? All these thoughts and feelings are just neurons firing in my brain but they call it a broken heart because the heart is the core of a person, the motivation, the love, the desire, the need, without those things what are you? Just a worthless shell. A zombie looking for a purpose.
I feel unlovable. I get thats a sign of psychological abuse but knowing that dosnt make it feel a bit less real. I tried so hard and she couldnt stand me so much that she did what she did with THAT DUDE! like... thats desperation... thats not "oh i made a mistake" thats more like "get me out of this right now ill eat cow manure just to get away from this guy." Thats a special kind of hate.
But she wants back? Why? Im not rich. Im not anything special lookwise. I dont do anything interesting. Why does she want to come back if she doesnt actually love me? 95 percent of the time she tells me she regrets marrying me and wishes we never met which obviously hurts so much but then that measely 5 percent, that once in a great long while, when she tells me that she never meant any of that stuff and that she couldnt live without me, that she needs me and only me because i treat her better and love her more than shes ever been loved in her whole life and how everyone in her life has given up on her because she messes up but she begs me not to go or it will break her...... it makes me feel so loved and important to the person that i love and is most important to me. I get it sounds abusive but i truly dont believe she means it i think her emotions make her switch sides i think when shes mad or stressed or upset she feels like she hates me but when shes sad and hurt by others she says the nice things.
I think i literally as im writing this just had an auditory hallucination so im going to sleep right after this. I heard her voice call my name. That was creepy. Also... sad? My brain needs a break. My heart needs some major repairs. A shrink wont help this writing is my therapy. Theres no right answer its just my life. So ill just keep going on autopilot for the next god knows how long waiting for some answers on what comes next in the saga of despair. Maybe its the hurt and depression talking but I dont think ill ever be truly happy again no matter what happens in this situation.
There will probably be a part 2 when im feeling super low again
