Rogue Hearts | PJM ✅

Chp. 43: Sweet Treats and Insights

Dallia's POV 🌼

I promised Binna we could hang out today and bake together. I know she misses her job, and I thought I could try and give her a little piece of that joy back today.

She's funny; her apron is already covered in flour and stray sugar crystals as we put our last batch of chocolate chip cookies in the oven. I take some cookies off the cooling rack and sit her down at my little table, and we delight in the gooey chocolate morsels that melt all over our fingertips as we eat a few that are still slightly warm from baking.

"I missed this! Thanks, Dallia!" Binna says in a sing-song voice that makes me happy.

I truly haven't forgiven myself for not believing her about the Dae situation. Though I apologized months ago, and in typical Binna style, she forgave me immediately, I've been quietly trying to make up for it ever since. I love that she is getting some baking time in with me today; we been trying for a few months to find her another little job, but so far, no luck.

"I'm glad you had fun today. I just want you to be happy," I tell her honestly.

"Dallia," she says between bites.

"Umm hmmm," I encourage her to speak while chewing thoughtfully.

"If I make a mistake, will you stop loving me?" she asks while reaching for another warm cookie on her plate.

"What? Binna, why would you ever think that? I will always love you!" I say in shock.

"Because Jimin made a mistake, and you shut him out. I don't want to mess up and have you stop loving me too," she says nonchalantly while stuffing another cookie into her mouth.

"Hey, easy. There are plenty of cookies to go around, Binna. Make sure you chew. I don't want you choking," I remind her as I push a bottle of water toward her.

"Mfffff..sorry," she replies with a mouth full of cookie and then takes a long sip of water.

I sigh deeply, "I guess I never thought you might see the situation with Jimin like this. Binna, I'll be in love with Jimin for the rest of my life, we just couldn't work it out, but that has nothing to do with you. I promise I will always love you, and I will never walk away from you. We are sisters, there is no stronger bond, okay?" I tell her, trying to make her understand.

"But if you love Jimin, why did you walk away from him?" she asks while eyeing the wire rack full of cookies on the counter. I smile and retrieve one more cookie for her, and she smiles broadly when I place it on her plate.

"At the time, I felt like everyone was hurting me. I had many bad things happen and felt like I couldn't take it anymore, Binna. I just needed to spend some time healing my heart. Jimin tried to put us back together, but his words and his actions didn't match. Actions can speak louder than words sometimes, and you have to pay attention to them even when your heart doesn't want you to."

I'm honestly not sure if any of this makes sense to Binna; she has moments when she seems very attuned to what is being said to her, and other times she is just happy to eat a cookie, and the words float over her like clouds, either way, I try and always be as honest as I can with her.

"But if his actions matched his words would you take him back?" she asks. "If he could show you how much he really cares -would that fix everything."

Blinking a few times, I consider her question. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Jimin in at least some small way. I've resolved that he will always have my heart, and I no longer entertain the thought of dating anyone else. However, I know there is no path back; we've hurt each other too much.

"That isn't reality, Binna. It won't ever happen. You don't have to worry about Jimin and me together anymore. I will always love him, and I hope he finds happiness. That's all that really matters in the world," I share.

She nods and finishes her cookie, "Want to watch a movie?"

I smile, happy that she is ready to stop talking about a subject that is constantly haunting the back of my thoughts—always sitting in my heart or the back of my mind, questioning if I've made the right decisions.

"Of course, I want to watch a movie with you!" I reply. "Come on. Let's clean up, and then we can watch whatever you want -but you have to help clean."

"Let'sssssss goooooooo!" Binna calls out happily, and I chuckle.

After a wonderful day together, I walk Binna down to the curb where my mother picks her up, and then I return to the first floor of my apartment building to retrieve my mail from my designated box.

Inside I find an envelope and my heart pounds. The return address is from Dae, and I'm not sure I want to open it.

I stuff it in my pocket and go for a long walk. I need to clear my mind. I find myself on the train, then walking again. The evening getting later, I decide to walk down by the Han river and get myself a snack from a street vendor. I smile, watching people enjoy the show of lights down by the bridge. Even though I'm not in a relationship myself, I'm finally at a point where I can admire others who are—so many couples holding hands and looking like they are happy. I sigh, it makes me feel hopeful knowing there are actually happy people in the world.

I finally stop and sit on an empty bench under a streetlight. I settle down and pry the bent envelope from my pocket, and decide to open it.

Dear Dallia,

I promise this will be the only time I will reach out to you. There is nothing I can say to make up for all I put you and your family through. I just want to thank you for saving my life that day. I got caught up with Ma-Ri and her lifestyle, and recently I found out that it cost her, her life. I know that it easily could have been me next if you hadn't gotten me help.

I want you to know I have been sober since the day you helped me get into rehab, it's been a challenging and rocky road, but it changed my life. In fact, they offered me a job after I completed my program here, and I help out by doing odd tasks and sharing my story with our new clients. I plan on going back to school in the fall to become a drug and alcohol counselor so I can give back.

I'm not telling you all this to try and win you back or drag you into my life. That would not be healthy for either of us. I want you to know that because of you, I'm alive, and I plan on not wasting any more of my life. I understand the gift you and your friends gave me. I should never have treated you so poorly throughout our relationship, and I hope you never stop being a caring person. You matter, and what you did for me matters. I will forever be gratefully in your debt.

Please take care,

Dae

Part of me is happy that Dae has been winning her battle against addiction, and I hope that remains true. Part of me hopes she continues to work on her demons  because both therapy and Jimin taught me that the way Dae treated me was abusive.

I take her letter and the envelope, tear them into tiny undecipherable pieces, and then dump them in a nearby trash can. I appreciate the closure, but I never need to reread this letter. I've moved on as well.

Time to lean into my phase two. A new chapter for me as well. I'm leaving my past behind me from this day forward.