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3 - Fate

When I said I never wanted to have worldly feelings again, was I just uttering nonsense to myself?

I must have, because I had some sort of awakening.

Can I have that at the age of five?

All it took was that one moment, that one little moment, and a piece of ice chipped away from my heart.

What was that moment?

Let me tell you.

It happened a week ago. I was actually asked, for once, if I wanted to travel with Shufu and Xiongzhang. I was asked a few times in the past, but always turned down the opportunity. It was normally Shufu spending time with some other sect for whatever reason. I agreed to go this time, only because I was begged by Xiongzhang to come.

"Ready to go?" Brother asked, "It's a fairly long journey."

"How long?" I asked as we set off on Shufu's sword.

"A couple hours at least," Shufu answered, "we are headed to Yunmeng."

"Why Yunmeng?" I asked.

"For a conference meeting, each sect alternates one every month, unless an emergency comes up," Shufu explained.

I said nothing else. It was all the information I needed to know what was happening and where we were going. When we arrived, Shufu gave Xiongzhang and Me some money to go check out some of the vendors. Shufu left Xiongzhang and Me as he went to the meeting. As my brother and I were looking around, I spotted something at the end of an alley.

I didn't catch sight at first, but looking again, I saw it was a boy. I couldn't make out much details from where I stood, so I walked a bit closer, and saw he was an urchin. His hair was a bit messy but it was a beautiful black color, almost like a raven's wings. He had on ragged and tattered clothes, and looked as if he hadn't bathed in a long time. Just seeing him, I felt my heart ache a bit. That little ache caused a piece of ice to chip off my heart.

I was standing beside some vendors, one had toys, the other, steamed buns. I bought a toy rattle drum and a steamed bun and brought them over to the boy. When I got within range of him, he was playing with a couple straw dolls he made himself. I heard him say that two were his parents and the smaller one was himself.

'He doesn't have parents Either?' I thought.

Once I stood right in front of him, I held out my hands, for him to take the toy and food. When his eyes met mine, I wasn't sure if I had ever seen such beauty before. His eyes were a silverish-blue. I could feel his warmth and kindness flowing through them and into my heart, chipping away another piece of ice. He smiled up at me as he took the toy and steamed bun from my hands.

That smile, the warmth he gives off, I only felt that once before...my mother had that same warmth and comfort. I didn't want to leave the boy, but I had to go find my way back to my brother. I left him without even letting him say anything to me, which I regret.

My brother noticed a small light in my eye when he found me, "what happened?" He asked.

I just shook my head. It was a moment I wanted to keep to myself. I know that boy will be someone I wouldn't forget. We didn't exchange words, but just the small interaction of giving him food and a toy, was enough.

"You are not going to tell me? Did you at least get anything?" He asked.

"Steamed bun, ate it," I told him.

"At least it's something," he said, "come, let's go."

After that moment, I had many questions coming up in my head. I spend months just becoming steel from emotions, and that one boy changes everything. I knew then, even that young, I was more different then ever.

When returning to Cloud Recesses, I asked for some extra study time in the library pavilion just to do some research. Only at the age of five, I found out I was a cut-sleeve, but for only one person. I had no desire for other girls or boys, just that one person I met at Yunmeng.

I began to worry though. Being in the Gusu Lan Clan, the morals are different. The blood of the Lan Ancestors also had this effect where once they find their fated person, they desire no one else, it becomes an addiction to them. It wasn't everyday you would see two male cultivator partners. It had me wonder if it was frowned upon.

How can I be a prominent cultivator if I was to be frowned upon for a desire I have no control of?

Was it really wrong of me to like another boy?

Will my brother or Shufu berate me, shun me, or kick me out?

I had to keep that to myself. The most I could do was to keep reading about male cultivation partners and hope that there was something in the future to help me. I also had to pray that Shufu won't try to arrange some sort of marriage for me in the future.

While researching cultivation partners, I came across a book on soulmates, soul bonds, and fated lovers. For a fated partner, it is basically fate that makes the decision before anything happens, and nothing can be done to avoid or change it. A soulmate is a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner. A soul bond is someone who makes a person feel so intertwined and connected to another, they may have developed a soul tie, 'A soul tie, sometimes referred to as emotional or spiritual cording, is an inexplicable, powerful emotional bond to another person,' I read.

So if that boy was already my fated person, what am I to do?