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10 - Feelings

This chapter contains some sensitive material. Topics of mental health and descriptions of panic attacks within chapter.

⚠️ Please read with caution ⚠️
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"You found parts of me I didn't know exists and in you I fould a love I no longer believed was real."
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Love, it is something that we all either try to chase, or we try to run from. I long to chase after mine, but I have to run from it. Shufu, was my ward that blocks me from chasing after it. He is always trying to make sure my brother and I remain pure, prominent, and righteous. I have noticed it is mostly me that he is most strict with. He suspects great things from me, and wants me to remain disciplined and straight forth.

Because of him, there are many days where I wish I had the strength in me to just leave Cloud Recesses and never again, step back inside. I didn't want to leave my brother behind. I was stuck in a hole that I could not get out of. I wanted to find an excuse to permanently leave, Xiongzhang would want me to come back and visit, for him.

What would I do with the newfound freedom, just become a rogue cultivator. I would fulfill my dream wish of aiding the weak, curving the violent, and live with a clear conscience. I would find it in my heart to tell Wei Ying just how much he weighs deep into my heart. I know we have only been around each other for about two or so months, but since meeting him as a young child, I feel I've known him my whole life.

I couldn't stop thinking about him. I knew that I loved him, and I barely knew him. My heart hurts, and it hasn't hurt like this in a long time. It hurt once, it was after I knew Mother was dead. I didn't know that to love again would hurt this much.

I was in the Jingshi one evening. I was laying down on my side with my knees to my chest, facing the open space of the home. I felt something light and slightly soft float down my cheeks. I reached up and touched my cheek. It was slightly warm and damp. It was tears. I had not cried since I was little.

Why am I crying?

What is this feeling inside of me?

I couldn't breathe properly as I started to hyperventilate. I sat up hugging my knees letting out a sob. I placed my hand on my mouth to try and silent the sobs. I didn't realize another presence was in the Jingshi until I felt a gently and warm hand placed in the small of my back.

"Wangji? What happened?" It was Xiongzhang.

I shook my head. I was unable to get words to come out. It was like I felt trapped inside of my own body. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't get words out, and I couldn't breathe properly. For the first time in my life, I was pulled onto my brother's lap. He leaned back against the headboard of the bed and tucked his legs up, with me between his legs and his chest/body, cradling me into his arms. I had never been one to accept or been offered any form of comfort.

To many people, I was a person to seemed cold and lacked emotions. I would talk to no-one and no-one would talk to me. I wouldn't even approach anyone, nor would anyone approach me. So, many people just assume I am a person who has no emotions. They just don't realize, maybe even myself included, how much I bury my feels deep inside. With Xiongzhang comforting me, I believe he was starting to really see that now.

"I'm here, Didi," I heard him say softly into my ear as I felt his fingertips graze across my scalp, rubbing my head, trying to comfort me, "just try to calm your breathing. You can talk to me when you are ready. Just know that I am here."

"It hurts," I managed to choke out through a sob.

"What hurts?" He asked calmly.

"My chest, my heart," I answered through another sob.

"I'm sorry," he said, "it will be okay though. I promise. I will do what I can to help you through this."

"How?" I asked through a breath.

"Guide you, support you, just be there for you whenever you need me," he said calmly, "if it is about Shufu, we will get through it together and speak to him calmly and discuss it with open minds. Hopefully he was have the heart that we know he has to really listen. If it is how you feel about Wei Gongzi...maybe try talking to him. I know it is not easy coming clean about how you feel, but how do you expect for your heart to heal if you don't try to find a way to help it."

"I'm afraid he will reject me, stop seeing me," I told him, "I don't understand why he is so important to me."

"You have finally been hit was what is known as, the GusuLan curse of love," he said.

"Huh?" I asked.

"For decades, our Lan Ancestors have had this effect where if they find someone they are fond of, they never set eyes for another. We just happen to spot our fated partner right away, and the more we try to avoid it, the more a Lan tends to suffer from it unless they are finally paired," Brother explained.

"I thought that was all just hearsay," I said.

"Do you think that still after experiencing it yourself?" Brother asked.

I take in a deep breath as I sat up, "no," I answered.

Xiongzhang pulled a handkerchief from his robes and handed it to me, "even if you don't confess, just try to have an open conversation with him. Maybe something can come of it," he explained.

I decided to think on his advice. He stayed with me for a little while longer until I calmed down a bit more and left me alone. Though, as soon as he left, Yùwàng and Ruoxi came hopping in from outside for the night. At least they got a smile to come out me as I shut the doors for the night.

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Oh boy! Did this chapter take some strength out of me to write, but I am happy with it.

Thank you so far for giving me feedback and support for this fanfic. If you are wondering, I really wanted to play on Lan Wangji's emotions more, and just how well he pushes them aside when he is in front of others.

Of course there will be more updates soon.

Thank you 😊