Home

2 - Cold

*thuap!*

*thuap!*

*thuap!*

"When are you going to get it in your head, she is dead!" Shufu scolded me.

I knelt there on the hard pebbles outside of The Yashi (The Elegance Room), unmoving. I remained still faced and body of stone as I took the floggings. I said nothing and just took it. I received ten floggings that day before returning to Hanshi, where I shared a space with my brother. I still said nothing as I knelt at the desk, not caring about the pain from kneeling on sharp pebbles, or the floggings in my back. I just opened the GusuLan Sect's Principles and started copying.

I did something bad, so I must do as I have been told. I received the first half of the punishment, now I need to finish the second half. Fifty copies of the three thousand rules of my clan. My emotions remained unaltered as I wrote. Not a single tear was shed. Not a single care if I felt the punishment was fair or just. My brother entered the Hanshi after he received word that I had been punished.

"I heard you were flogged," he said calmly, "want to talk about it."

I remained silent and continued writing.

"I asked Shufu, he didn't tell me why you were flogged, no one will tell me," Brother aid, "will you please tell me?"

"Walked past Gentian House, stood there for a moment to say hello," I explained. At the age of five, my voice remained steady, not even a pitch change, "a disciple told Shufu I was there."

"You were flogged for going to Gentian again?" He asked, "Which Disciple told on you? How long were you there?"

"A minute," I answered, "long enough to say hello to mother and walk away...it was Su MinShan again."

"That's it?" He asked, "how many floggings? How much do you have to write?"

"Ten flogs...write fifty times," I told him, a pause between both answers.

He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath before coming to kneel beside me, "I want to protect you, Wangji," he said, "How can I when you are getting beaten."

"I do not need it," I told him.

He took the brush from my hand and held my face to look at his, "listen to me, you are young, just like me. You are already so silent. Why don't you ever explain yourself?"

"No need," I told him, moving my head out of his hands and went back to writing, "I need to finish this before curfew."

"About Su MinShan?" Brother asked.

"Already forgotten, not worth the energy," I told him.

Brother just sighed knowing he couldn't get through to me. He disappeared out of my peripherals but only came back after a few minutes. He knelt back down beside me with some medicine, bandages, a cloth, and a small tub of warm water.

"While you work, can I at least tend your wounds?" He asked.

"Mnn," I hummed.

He took the brush from me again only to remove my robes to get to my back. I heard his breath hitch when he saw my back. I knew it probably didn't look good, being covered with purple, blue, and red blotches from the flogs. He took the cloth and gently patted it against my back. I still did not move or falter. The pain was the only soothing thing left for me. It tells me that I can still feel something. I no longer had a desire for feeling. They only hurt me more in the end, so it was best for me not to have any.

I was teaching myself to endure, and it became very clear that I must be a masochist, as I didn't mind pain. I'd rather take all the pain in the world, so others around me can feel free to live, and desire. I was unworthy of it. I remember a few weeks ago, I was sitting outside by the gate to Hanshi reading, when I heard other kids sneering and snickering at me.

"Hey you!" A kid yelled.

"Yelling is forbidden," I said in response.

"Weirdo," the kid said standing in front of me, "look at you being a loner. Maybe that's why you have no one. You are unworthy. Maybe that was why your mother left."

The pain inside my heart just grew more as his words embedded deep into my brain.

"You're so pale, you don't mingle, you don't listen to your Shufu," the kid said, "you are worthless."

I still said nothing and just took it. I held my self-restraint and kept my anger and rage deep inside. I kept my pain hidden. The kids just kept laughing and taunting before running off to their families. After that, I hid inside Hanshi. My brother was in a lecture, so I had no one to tell what happened. I didn't bother to tell anyone in the end.

I finally let my guard down when I was alone, I let the tears fall. I held my hand to my chest and sobbed until I couldn't sob anymore. I was expecting to be back to my stone cold self before Xiongzhang came back, but he found me anyway. I didn't tell him anything. I wouldn't even let him touch me for comfort. What was the use for comfort when it goes away after a while?

I may have had my Shufu, and Xiongzhang, but that was the first time I ever felt alone, and unworthy of feeling. Thus, I became known to be the cold and emotionless disciple in the Gusu Lan Clan.

"Wangji," Brother said as he finished checking my wounds, "I heard from some others that you were being bullied. That was why you were crying not long ago, wasn't it?"

I said nothing.

"Let me tell you this, those who bully you and hurt you, they tend to see that you have something that they don't or they are envious of something you do or have. The best way to get back is to thrive and the better person. Become the cultivator you strive to be, let the entire world know that you are better than the hateful words and can look past them."

I finally looked at him, "because a better cultivator?" I asked.

"A cultivator is something everyone here under GusuLan strives to be. They are righteous characters and have their own merits and demerits. You can be a cultivator that does good, help those who are weak, curve those who are violent. But always remember to keep a clear conscience," he explained.

I nodded, "I will be a better person," I told him.

I will strive to be the best, be where chaos lies, and fight for what is right. That is my only desire I seek now. It wasn't a desire that people would expect, but it's my desire. The trade-off, my emotions in return.