❛Reminiscence❜ ─ Harry Potter Oneshots

♦ Sky of Grey

Preface:
This OS takes place after the war and is from Harry's PoV. This OS contains my feelings of a particular duration of my life. If you have gone through this, you are truly brave. Well done. If you are going through this, know that hope always shines through. If you need anyone to talk to, I am here. :)

Warning:
⚠!Trigger warning!⚠
Contains topics of depression and mental illness. If you are uncomfortable reading it, please do not proceed further. 

Dedicated To:
All the suffering pure souls out there. Stay strong, guys.

The day was overcast, foreboding something. I lay in my bed, not willing to do anything all day. It is really depressing after everything that happened. . . I just can't fight my fear. . .

Days are really lovely these times. The world is grieving. Everything is because of me. . .yes, a teenager named Harry Potter is the reason for the sky of grey. Even if it takes a hundred years, I will never forget this and I know no one will forget nor forgive me for what I have done. No one will welcome me to their houses nor will anyone want to spend time with me, the lone man for a massacre. I lost the game of this world, of life.

They say that life is a bird's game: wake up, hunt for food, get back home by the sunset. . .to your family. But my life was never as easy or as happy as a bird's life. . . I couldn't wake up in peace: nightmares plagued my sleep; I could not have my food: I was abused to the point of going several nights without food; I could never get back home, lest by sunset because I never had a home to call mine, a home filled with blissful memories; and to my family? I never had a family to call of my own.

To the one who said it was a bird's game, please tell me how and to what category I belong to?

Some call me brave for riding the world of a madman named Voldemort but am I? Oh no, I can't fight my fear.

The mocking laugh of Tom Riddle still echoes in my ear as I lay on my hardened bed, tears spilling out of eyes. They say men must be brave and not cry but how am I supposed to suppress my feelings, even to myself? They think THE Harry Potter is too brave to cry but am I not a human too? Please, the person who said as such, answer me. . . I can't fight my emotions. . .

I need a place to hide this treacherous self of me. . . And the only one I found is the most depressing location on earth: #12 Grimmauld Place. The place which caused melancholy to my godfather, Sirius and now, even me. 'Hello, welcome home,' it says.

I looked up slightly to gaze at the outside world. Everything was concrete and blank. Just like my mind of stone. Brilliant. I curled back to my fetal position, unable to even get some air without the covering of a blanket. I felt like a vulnerable turtle without a shell. The blanket was my shell, my only comfort zone now and for an eternity till I live.

Oh, why can't I just go and meet my parents, Sirius, Remus, Fred, everyone and never come back? But I might not be welcome there as well. After all, I was the one who put them in there.

No one loves me. I was the one who pushed everyone away. Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Mrs Weasley, Mr Weasley, Neville, Luna, George, Percy, Bill, Fleur, Charlie, Dean, Seamus. . . everyone.

I am the reason why the Weasleys lost a treasure. George. . . He is broken without his other half; Percy. . . He blames himself but truthfully it's my fault; Bill and Fleur. . . They lost their period of being newlyweds because of me; Charlie. . . He feels guilty for not being able to be there for his family; Mr and Mrs Weasley. . . The two people who loved me as a son. . . I broke them by snatching their son from them.

Ron. . . what did he do to deserve this? He deserved much better. . . much more. He stayed by my side in all my adventures and misadventures but he lost his brother because of that loyalty. He cracked jokes even when the atmosphere was filled with tension or melancholy. Why did he do that? To cheer up a useless Potter. Why do pure souls like him suffer?

Hermione. . . she was a total stranger when I met her but she stayed with me, became a sister to me just because I helped Ron to save her from a gigantic and mental troll.  Why did she do that? She could have just walked away and there wouldn't have been sadness in her life. Her parents are now lost in Australia and she's so lost without them. She did that for me. . . the helpless Potter.

Something more than just the burdening guilt still is in my mind, filled in my mindspace. Her beautiful face comes to my mind every time that I wish to tear myself to pieces at just the thought of her.

Ginny. . . Oh Merlin please tell me what sin she did to get her heart broken by a hopeless man? Why did she fall in love with me? Why did she stand by me? I thought I found an answer when I first kissed her: love; but is it real? Because if it was, I can't comprehend why I am unable to get up and muster the courage to apologize to her and start building future again.

Future. . . That word sounds so weird and unfamiliar because I am walking out of my life's time, slowly, by an inch. I wish it was faster and I could run out of it. I cannot bear to see her misty eyed eyes whenever her brother is mentioned, whenever I pass by. It hurts me the most, the glassy heart of mine the most. I am the reason for her melancholy and I am helpless now. I cannot stand with my own feet. Hell, I don't even think I have feet anymore.

I am a bedridden and depressed soul nobody cares for, nobody loves. It is truly brilliant. . . all alone in this world of greyness. I can't comprehend the difference between happiness and loneliness. They seem similar to me in a sense.

There's nothing left. Nothing left of me but skin and bones and maybe my mother's eyes, after all I'm always reminded of my first crime because of inheriting her almond shaped emerald orbs which were the window to the world. But there is no world for me. . . No bliss, nothing. It's all over, buddy. Tom Riddle's laugh just echoes in my empty head. I might have managed to kill him by sheer, abandoned luck but now. I can't fight my fear, no. Even if I try, I will lose. I know I will not make it out of this. It's high time I know that too; I lost.

I felt a weight shift on my bed. The ghostly scent of her wafted through the blanket which was ripped from me. I looked up at her figure with blurry vision. Her warm hands rubbed my tears away. More tears streamed down my cheeks but were wiped away by the very same gentle hands which placed a fresh blanket over me and softly patted me to sleep.

"Mumma loves you, Harry. Dadda loves you. Padfoot and Moony love you. Molly and Arthur love you. The world is with you. Ron, Hermione, Ginny; they love you more than you think. Stay strong. You are not alone, Sweetheart."

That was all I knew that day.

Thank you for reading!

Miyoko x