As long as we both shall live [Tom Hiddleston]{EBT book 3 of 4}

Anger

Tom stirred and rolled over, his arms reaching for Kate. When all he felt was cold sheets he opened his eyes and saw 17:54 on the clock. Fuck. The medication the hospital had sent him home with worked but it also knocked him out quickly. His stomach rumbled and he realised he had slept through lunch. Trying to clear his head, he sat up slowly and the events from this morning came crashing back. No doubt Kate was still angry, and he still hadn't worked out if she might be right to feel that way. His emotions were as foggy as his brain. He looked over to her side of the bed and it dawned on him that her things were gone, all of them. No...

He stood up out of bed and had to sit back down when pain seared through his skull. Waiting a few moments until it subsided, he stood slowly, walking to the door and opening it quietly. Relief flooded over him when he saw Kate's bags at the door. At least she hadn't left. He could hear the faint sound of her voice and guitar and he went to the back door, standing just inside so he could listen.

Tom remembered the first time he had done similar; they had just started dating and he had surprised her at the studio. He had only listened for a moment outside the door, his spine tingling at the sound of the piano mixed with her voice. She had been so self-conscious she was unable to play in front of him, and she had stopped as soon as she saw him. The first time she had played for him, at her apartment in LA, had brought him to tears. The effect hadn't lessened over time, he loved listening to her and he was covered in goosebumps as he stood silently just inside the door. When she finished he stepped out on to the verandah and was disappointed when she put the guitar down. She was sitting on the wooden boards cross legged, wearing jeans and a thick cardigan, her hair falling over her shoulders. "Luke has gone to get some Chinese," she said without looking up. "He should be back any minute."

"May I sit?" he asked.

"Of course, it's your house." Kate tried not to clip her words, but only half succeeded. "I was about to set the table anyway."

"Kate,"

"What? Do you want to take it all back? Change your mind? Or do you still want me to go think about whether I want to marry you, obviously I didn't make an informed decision when I said yes the first time." Tom looked down at the floor. He had expected she would still be angry, he didn't expect she would be more angry than this morning.

"Please don't be mad. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

"Do you still want me to think about it while I'm away?"

"Yes, I do. I want you to be sure-"

"Well then you need to let me think about it." She cut him off and went to the kitchen.

By the time Luke returned the tension was palpable. They ate almost in silence and he tried his best to break it with conversation.

"Can I drive you to the airport in the morning?" he asked Kate.

"Yes please. I need to be there at seven thirty."

"I can drive if you like, give Luke a sleep in."

"You're not allowed to drive, Tom. It's fine, I don't mind. I guess you're coming with us though?" Luke looked at Kate. She had to fight the urge to dig her heels in like a teenager. He's not the enemy, she reminded herself.

"Of course, as long as you've had enough sleep."

Kate excused herself from the table and went to the lounge room with her laptop, adding some more to a song she had been writing earlier.

Later in the evening, when Tom couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, he leaned over the back of the couch and kissed the top of Kate's head. "I'm going to bed." he said gently.

"I'm not ready yet, I'll be there in a while," Kate said to the laptop screen. He came back and sat next to her.

"Kate, are we... are we OK? Please don't snap at me or yell at me. I just need to know."

She closed the laptop and looked at his face. "I don't know, Tom. That's the truth. I do not know. You can't have expected me to just say 'oh OK then, sure, I'll reconsider your proposal'. That's not just an offhand statement, it was calm and calculated. You completely caught me off guard, it was like you'd changed your mind and didn't want to say the words."

"Darling that's not what I meant, at all. I love you so much, I just want you to be happy."

"Then why can't you see that I'm happier with you than I have ever been in my life? You're not holding me back, you're holding me up! You want me to need you like I did in the beginning? Well, here is the truth. You will always be Tom Hiddleston, regardless of what happens between us. If we get married, I'll be Mrs Hiddleston. If we don't, I will always, for the rest of my life, be Tom Hiddleston's ex. Not Kate Allen, well-known in her own right because she's so talented. Just Tom Hiddleston's former fiancée. So please, tell me again how I came in to your life at a really bad time, when you didn't want a relationship, and how I can just waltz right out again because you're giving me permission. And don't even start me on how I shouldn't care so much about you. Please, tell me how to not love you." She could see tears welling in his eyes and knew she had gone too far, but was too angry to say any more. She put the laptop down on the table and turned away from him, only knowing he had gotten up when she heard him close the bedroom door.

Hours later Kate woke up and realised she had gone to sleep on the couch. Packing away her laptop and putting it by the door, she went to the bedroom. Tom was sleeping soundly, she could hear his even breath as she undressed and put on a tshirt, being careful not to disturb him as she slid in to bed. She had never been uncomfortable in bed with him, and she didn't like it now. Congratulations, she thought to herself, now he's hurting as much as you are. Feel better?

She didn't.