Rule as Equals (Meant to Be My Balance #2)

Chapter 25

Nochi's golden eyes mocked me from where she sat on my lap. She wasn't a kitten any longer, but she was still small, rounded, with big eyes that seemed to suck up her whole face.

"You're going to be nice to me while I'm pregnant," I said, narrowing my eyes when she pawed at my four-month bump. "This is a very difficult time for me, Nochi, and I'd like some affection and support."

She meowed.

"That means not running to Aleksander the second I let go. You can take his side any other year, but this year, you have to be mine."

Another meow. She moved so both her paws rested on my belly.

"Who's side are you going to take?"

She cocked her round, furry head.

"That's right. Mine. Not Aleksander's."

The door cracked open and Nochi leapt off the bed to scurry to Aleksander's side. Little traitor. I sighed and fell back into the pillows, ignoring the intent gaze of my husband. Every time he entered, this was how he looked at me. Up and down, examining every inch of my skin, every breath in my chest, until he could be sure that I was alright.

"Were you talking to the cat?" he asked, approaching with a glass of water. He took a sip first, pausing as if trying to taste for anything suspicious.

"I thought the Alkemi already tested the water?"

"Making sure," Aleksander said. That was what he tended to... every free second he had. Test things. Make sure. Even our bedsheets were checked before I climbed in. "Were you talking to the cat?" he repeated.

"Maybe. I'm going crazy."

The first month... alright, the first month was bad too. But I had Nikolai's arrival to look forward to, and I was usually so sick and exhausted that staying in bed all day was a decent alternative. Now, I was sick and exhausted and... used to it. I was tired of the Grand Palace, of the dust that collected in the hallways and the silence that pinged through the ballrooms. This place used to be full of life, but now it felt hollow and lonely. I missed the sun on my skin, but Aleksander only wanted me to go out into the garden when I was with him. He said it was too open.

His eyes softened, gray turning hazy as he ran a hand through my hair, tucking it behind my ear. "And how is our child?"

"Restless," I complained once again. "I need to get out. I don't care if it's just for a little bit... I need air. I need to feel like I can breathe again."

His voice hardened, not because he wanted to be strict but because he felt like he must. "And if something happens to our child?"

I looked away, unable to face my husband when he spoke like that, grim determination in his mission to keep up safe. "I know," I whispered. "I know the risks. But I can't help it."

And then I started crying. And I hated it. Being pregnant felt like more than carrying a baby—it was weakness, exhaustion, pain after pain after pain... and hope. The feeling of life within you that brought a bright golden seed with it. Now, if only I could grasp it instead of imagining that light fading out as it had once before.

"Oh my sun," he whispered, coming to my side as he pulled me into him, held me close, kissed the top of my head and ran his hand up and down my back. "It will be okay. It will all be worth it."

***

Despite his paranoia when we stepped out of the castle, the next day he took me to the lake. While Aleksander looked as muscled, toned, and handsome as ever, I was a fat duck.

Nikolai didn't stop commenting on it, hence why it was at the forefront of my mind.

Aleksander always shrugged off my worries, kissing me until his desire felt so strong that I couldn't possibly believe I looked like anything less than the most beautiful woman on the planet. Except for the fact that I did look like a complete mess. But if Aleksander was deceiving me, I would take it in stride. He wasn't the one carrying this baby—the least he could do was lie to me about my appearance.

But when I slipped my loose dress off, standing in front of my husband in a bathing suit that felt tight around my breasts even though it had been custom-made to fit me with my measurements from less than two weeks ago.

"Fuck you're gorgeous," he whispered, his voice trailing into a rasp as he took my hands in his and led me into the cold water. I shivered at the sensation, my toes curling at the bottom of the lake as I held tighter to Aleksander's wrists.

"I don't feel great about being here while I'm pregnant and unwilling to swim—"

"You think I'll let you drown?" Aleksander scoffed out a laugh, to which I scowled at since I didn't think drowning could even kill me.

"If you're mad enough at me for dragging you out here," I said, letting out a sigh when a warm breeze sifting through my hair and picking up rustling leaves in its flow.

"I could never be mad at you, Alina. Not for long. Not ever when you're..." He paused in wonder, glancing down at my belly, his palm flat against the curve of my stomach. The lake behind the castle wasn't close to being what I needed... but my husband's company and my baby's flutters against his palm. Maybe those were enough.

I took a step closer to Aleksander, resting my forehead on his chest. He pulled my hair back from my face, sighing softly at the feel of my body against his.

"I don't like this," I whispered. "I'm stressed and tired and sad and hungry. Everything always hurts. I'm always worried. I'm so lonely I feel like I can't breathe."

"I wish I could take this burden from you." He caressed my cheek with his knuckles. "You know I do."

"I know," I said hoarsely. But that didn't change anything.

Having this baby was all I could think about. The pain of my miscarriage had been unbearable, but even through my gratefulness, I knew that carrying this baby for another five months would be no easy task. 

it's me. hi. i'm the problem, it's me.