The Letters He Never Sent || Minsung

22

Past
———

I kiss him one last time. "I'm sorry, I really have to go."

He whines. "You don't even have to go, it's not like you have anything to do. You live alone."

I chuckle. "I have errands to run." I say. "Living alone means i actually have to do these things on my own, baby."

He sighs. "I know, I know. I just don't want you to go."

I give him a kiss, this is really the last one. "I know, but you will see me at school tomorrow. Plus, your parents will be home soon and we shouldn't let them see us."

Yeah, I know. We have been sneaking around Jisung's parents, since they are extremely religious and homophobic. When I am at his place, I'm just his amazing best friend.

"Okay, fine." He says. "Bye, Min."

I chuckle. "Bye Jisung."

He smiles before he closes his door, and I leave his porch. I have to go shopping for brake pads, since my breaks aren't working properly. Then, I have to get groceries.

I can only spend so much, since I am low on money recently. I have been receiving checks from my father ever since I left, because he is required to pay me since I am not eighteen yet. I also get money from school gigs.

It's not a lot, but it's enough to get by. I plan on getting a job soon anywho, but that only means less time with Jisung. I feel like this is the peak in our relationship, he has been super lovey dovey lately.

*

After I purchase my break pads, my stomach starts to growl. I didn't spend all of the money I had planned too today, so I figure I can eat out without ruining my savings. I deserve it anyway, I have been doing good.

I pull into my favorite restaurant. I used to come here for morning brunch with my family. I don't care if it was a publicity stunt or that it was fake love, I just liked the fresh food and the fact I actually felt loved as a child.

When the waiter sits my down, I don't even have to look at the menu to know what I want. I order my food and drink, smiling as I wait for it to come out. From what I remember, this place has really fast service.

I pull out my phone and happily scroll through Instagram, actually having a good day.

"Minho?" A quiet voice asks.

I look up with a smile, but it drops when I see her. I take back what I said about a good day.

She gasps. "Oh Minho! I knew it was you!" She says, coming closer to me.

"Mom?" I ask. "Wha-"

"I missed you so much honey!" She says, coming to hug me. "When are you coming back home? I miss you more and more every day."

I move away to avoid her hug. "You're kidding, right?" I ask. "This has to be a joke, there's no way."

She scrunches her eyebrows, "What?"

"You know what, mom." I say, crossing my arms.

She looks at me for another moment, before sighing. "Minho..Minho i'm sorry, I didn't mean any of it." She takes a seat across the booth from me. "It's just your father.."

"Don't blame this on him." I interrupt.

She looks at me. "But it's his fault, Minho. It's not my fault it any way shape or form."

"It's not your fault yeah, but you let him do this to me mom." I say to her.

"I can't do anything about it, you know this.." she says.

I sigh. "But you can." I say. "You can, you just don't know you can. You can do so much more, you can do so much better but you chose not too. You chose... to let that man kick out your son."

"Minho, your his son too." She says.

"No." I shake my head. "No, that man was never actually my dad. And he never will be."

"Okay, you're right. He was a shitty father, and a shorty husband. But he is better when you are around, he will be better. Please.. just come home."

"No." I shake my head. I feel the tears in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. "He will never be better."

"Minho.."

"No, mom." I say. "Please, just stop."

I say it rather loudly, so the waitress who is delivering my food jumps a little. I apologize and smile to her, and she sets down the plates. When she walks away, my smile drops.

I take a sip of my water, and sigh. She just sits there, tears falling down he face as she looks at me. I know it's isn't her fault. I can see it in her eyes that she wants out, I can see is just done.

"You know, I watched you both slowly stop loving me." I say. "To the point where.. I don't even know if you did in the first place." I shrug.

She shakes her head, closing her eyes. "I always will love you, Minho." She says in a frail voice.

"Then show it, mom. Show it god damnit." I sit up.

"I do Minho, I try my best." She says.

"No, you don't!" I say. "And I wish you knew how badly that fucked me up."

She starts to sob. I know my words are effecting her in the worst ways right now, but it is my one chance to get everything out.

"Mom." I say. "You fucked me up. I know you can realize it, because you see somebody else fucking me up even more, but you did too."

"Every time, you tell me that you did those things out of love. That you yelled at me because you loved me, or you tell me dad doing those things to you because he loves you, you are teaching me to mistake aggression for love." I say to her.

I sit up, getting as close as I can from across a table. "It may seem like a good idea, it may seem to make things better in the moment. But that's only until I grow up, and I mistake those things for love.

I am scared every day that I am going to turn into my father, and hurt people, or scared that I am going to be the one hurt, because you told me that was love. How am I going to be good in the relationship I am in?"

She is sobbing by the time I am done, and I am on the verge of tears.

"I'm so sorry Minho. I'm so sorry I fucked you up." She says.

"You did what you could." I say. "I just wish you did more."

I completely lost my appetite, so I don't even eat the food. I take out cash, and put it underneath the plate. I stand up to leave but she stops me.

"Minho.." she says.

I turn and look at her.

"You are with someone? Can I- Can I meet them?" She ask.

"No." I shake my head. "Because I'm not even sure you will ever meet me again, mother."