The Letters He Never Sent || Minsung

37

"You may be dismissed." The principal says to me.

When i stay silent, she slowly raises her hand and pats my back. "It will be okay, he is in a better place now. You did what you could do, I'm sorry he didn't make it."

I break down into tears again. She sighs, pulling me back and engulfing me into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry minho, i'm so sorry." she runs her hands through my hair.

i pull away from her and sniffle. "You can take the day off, just go home and get some rest." she says.

I nod as I wipe my face again. "Thank you." I say through my heavy breaths. "Thank you—so much."

She smiles and nods. "I'm here for you, kid."

I nod my head as i start to walk to my locker. I walk through the halls, with people staring at me as i make my way to my locker. I slowly grab my books—with all the energy I have left in my body. I'm trying my hardest to not break down right now in front of all these people.

Grabbing the last book and zipping up my backpack, I close my locker. When I do, I'm met with the face of Hyunjin. He gives me a knowing sorrowful look, and I break down again in his presence.

He frowns at my reaction, and pulls me into a hug. "Come here baby, I'm so sorry." He embraces me, putting his head atop mine. "I'm so sorry Minho, you both don't deserve this."

I can hear his own voice break, so I tighten my arms around him. "It's your loss too" I manage to get out. "How are you doing?"

"I miss him, so much." He says. "He was such a bright boy, he's going to be hard to live without.."

I pull away and look up at him. "You'll be okay. Just don't leave me too." He says. "I can't lose you as well."

I nod my head, and he lets go of me. "Go get some rest, okay?" He ruffles my hair.

I nod and we part ways, me going home.

The ride home is quiet. So quiet.

My mind is blank, and I can't even focus. I might not even make it to bed. When I reach my apartment building, I head inside without greeting anyone. I don't even take anything off, I don't bother to change, I just head straight to my bed.

I crash on the hard matress, finally letting it all out. I can't even begin to express what I am feeling in this moment— it's so hard to even breathe. I've never cried this much in my entire life, and I've never felt so much at one moment.

"You promised me—" I sob. "You promised me Jisung!"

I curl up into a fall. "This isn't fair, this isn't fair at all you can't leave me like this." I cry. "You were supposed to grow old with me, we were supposed to graduate together."

I sob and sob, not even catching a breath. "I'm nothing without you, I'm nothing I'm nothing." I hit my head, pulling my hair as I curl my body even more. "This isn't right.."

I continued to sob for the rest of my night. My phone died so I didn't even bother checking my messages, and I couldn't bring myself to even eat. I didn't even change when I fell asleep. From all the exhausting emotions, I felt drained.

As I stare at my condition in the mirror— my red eyes and nose, my puffy eyes— I don't feel a single thing.

His funeral is today.

I got the text from his phone— which I'm guessing his mother sent— when my phone was charged. I think it's way to early, but yet I don't know how far away funerals should be from the death.

I take out the old makeup I have, from the performance makeup crew. Covering my dark circles and red puffy skin, I break down again.

I sink to the floor as I sob. "This isn't right.. I can't do this.." I whisper. "I can't do this without you Jisung."

I look up to the sky, as if he can hear me. "God what do I even do.." I say. "Please just tell me your here.. please don't tell me you're really—"

The lump in my throat stops me from speaking, and the tears fall down. My makeup is completely smeared, and I bet I look worse than I did before.

"God I'm a mess without you.." I say. "Fuck you for leaving me." I sob. "Fuck you for affecting me so much when you aren't even here.. fuck you for making me fall in love with you"

I bring my legs to my chest, holding myself as i sob. "I miss you so much." I say. "I love you Jisung... I love you— so why did you have to leave me so early? I was just learning how to love you properly." I shake my head.

A ping on my phone interrupts me, so I grab the phone from the counter with my shaky hands. It's a text from Hyunjin, asking me if I am going to show up today. As if I wouldn't attend my own boyfriends funeral.
Or is he even my boyfriend anymore?

I take that post crying shaky breath, and stand up with my wobbly knees. I turn my body towards the mirror again— Then I look down at the makeup bag, and make the decision to just go without any. Who do I even have to look good for anymore?

I turn off the light and leave the room. I have everything I need to leave and go— beside the courage. I don't know if I have the guts to stand there at his casket. I don't know if I can handle that right now.

But what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't go?
I wasn't there when he was alive, so I'll be dammed if I am not when he is gone.