The Letters He Never Sent || Minsung

24

This is getting unbearable.

He stares at me with teary eyes, he is expecting me to say something. He shifts on his feet, I can tell he is uncomfortable.

I'm making him uncomfortable?

I think back to all the times I've been uncomfortable, and I have been a lot. It's like a feeling that you never want to experience again. I only experienced it with my parents.

I take a breath in. 

Am I turning into my parents?

"Fuck," He says. "Are you even going to say something?"

I know I'm effecting him. I know the deafening silence from me is killing him, it's eating him up inside to know that I can't even speak. I can't even speak right now to save whatever this will ruin.

"I'm sorry." I say.

Finally, I speak.

He looks at me with teary eyes, shaking his head. "You're sorry?" He says.

I stay silent.

"Why are you sorry?
Why aren't you speaking?
Why are you looking at me like that?
What happened to make you feel this way?
How can you watch me cry with no expression?"
He says.

"Talk, Minho. God dammit talk to me! That all I want, that's why I came here. Talk to me." He continues. "Please don't do this to me."

His tears fall down his cheeks, and his voice cracks at he speaks to me. He shifts on his feet again, bring one arm up to the other, holding it in place. He takes a shaky breath in.

I observe all of this, but yet I can't speak.

The bells rings, startling us both. It's the loudest noise we both have heard, to we both flinch to it. I start to gather myself, getting ready to use that as my excuse to leave. As I start to walk, his voice stops me. I turn to him.

"That's it?" He says, turning towards me. "That's all? You're just going to leave?"

I take a good look at him, before making the hardest decision. If I leave, what will happen? If I stay, it will only get worse. I think I'm going to take my chance and leave.

I turn my head away from him, and continue to walk to the door. Just as my hand touches the handle, he speaks again.

"If you want out that door.." he says. "I will never forgive you."

I squeeze my eye my eyes shut. I know all this could  have been solved if i just could communicate, but you don't know how hard that is for me.

This has all been perfect, but we know it's really not. Someone is bound to leave. Someone has to leave first. This is a very confusing situation. There is no other version of that situation.

I guess that someone is me, as I walk out of the bathroom without looking back.

No, this isn't me.

This is the version my parents painted, a very cold man. This is the version I was bound to end up, a man who leaves the very first argument. A man who can't speak up for himself.

But that's not me. I am a man who has something nobody else in the world can have, I am a man who has like. No, I'm a man who has love.

I immediately turn back around, heading right back into that bathroom. When I reach the door, it opens by itself. I step back, and Jisung walks out of the bathroom. He looks at me, i look at him. Im just about to speak, but he walks away.

Without a word, he starts walking down the hallway. I start to follow him.

"Jisung," I say.

"Jisung please, wait."

He doesn't even stop.

"Jisung, please. Listen to me." I say.

There is nobody else in the halls, so I know he can hear me. I see a classroom coming up, so I speed up and take his hand. I pull him into the empty classroom, closing the door behind me.

"Jisung, just listen to me." I say.

He avoids eye contact with me, turning away from me. "No. Let me leave, now."

"I'm not letting you leave until you talk to me." I say.

He scoffs. He looks up at me, with puffy eyes. He still is crying, but he looks angrier. "Now you wanna talk? Funny. It's you begging me to talk now, don't like how it feels huh?"

"Jisung, I'm sorry." I say sincerely.

"Oh my god, you're sorry." He says sarcastically. "We've already talked about this. If that's all you're going to say, just let me leave." He pushes past me, but I stop him by blocking his way.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I say, over and over. "I'm saying I'm sorry, because that's what I really am. I'm sorry I am acting like this, and I'm sorry I can't tell you why I'm acting like this."

He looks at me with doe eyes. "Why, Minho? Why can't you just talk to me?"

"It's hard, Jisung." I say.

"It's hard for me to do it, but I still do. It's hard to do a lot of things but we all still do. I get it's hard, but I need you to do this for me." He says.

"You don't get it." I say. "I don't know how, I never did."

"You just tell me how you feel. I can teach you how, just let me." He says to me, a tear falling.

"I thought you understood." I say. "I thought you knew this was the way I am, you knew this would happen."

"I do." He says. "Minho, I understand these things and I understand what you went through, but that doesn't excuse the fact you don't try."

I feel like a bus hit me when he said that.

"I understand what you went through made you this way, but I want you to communicate more. I want you to tell me what you went through, I want you to tell me ever bad thing. But most importantly, I want you to let me love you no matter what you tell me." He says to me.

He is almost sobbing by the time he is done speaking. "What you went through and who you were already ended, and the person you will become has started now."

"I want you to let me love you, no matter what." He says. "Can you let me do that?"