The Letters He Never Sent || Minsung

23

I silence my ringing phone, not even bothering to check who is calling. I put my phone on silent and go back to staring at the ceiling. Laying on the bed on my back is the only way I know how to calm myself, so that is what I am doing right now.

I haven't eaten for hours. I haven't showered since yesterday. I haven't even bothered to leave my home. It's Sunday afternoon as I lay here, so tomorrow I do have to go back to school.

I don't know if I can do it though. I have been a void since my unwelcome meeting with my mother, and I fear I will be locked in the same void tomorrow.

I don't like the fact my mother has such an effect on me. I don't like how that whole conversation fucked me over. Oh, I was so close.

I was so close to living normally, without the abuse of my own parents. I know I'm not physically getting abused anymore, but the mental abuse still remains. It just took a conversation with the only one I thought was on my side to realize so.

I don't know which is worse, however. The pain of what happened, of the childhood I experienced. Or the ache of what never will, the childhood and love I deserved.

My phone vibrates again, this time continuously meaning someone is calling me. I groan and roll over, picking up the device and holding it to my ear.

"Yes?" I say, clearly irritated.

"Hi!-" a voice says. "Oh, never mind. Are you okay? You sound mad?"

I recognize the voice, and heart softens a little. "I'm not in a good mood." I say.

"Oh, what happened?" He asks. He has a hint of worry in his voice, he obviously cares.

"Stuff." I say.

I can feel myself want to get off this phone call more and more, regardless of who it is.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, just leave me alone." I say, handing up the phone.

Do I want to talk about it? That's a joke. I've grown to never talk about my feelings, especially not my anger. Anger is a very powerful emotion and I can never control it.

I stare back at the ceiling. As I think more, I'm suddenly hit with a wave of regret. I was so mean to him, why am I taking it out on him? I groan and lift my hands to my hair, feeling myself get angry at the fact I just blew him off.

I think I need to just sleep it off. That always works.

*

I'm suddenly hit with the realization that sleeping it off doesn't actually work. I woke up in an even worse mood, so I guess I learned a new lesson last night.

Never go to bed angry.

I drag myself out to my car, getting inside to drive to the one place I don't want to be right now. I don't want to see anybody today, I'm not in the mood to deal with another person in my presence.

The drive to school is silent, and the walk there the halls is even more silent. The halls are loud, but I'm silent. My head isn't, however. My head is screaming at me, saying everything terrible.

I'm walking to my locker when I see a familiar boy, he has a huge smile on his face when he sees me. I don't smile back, instead, I turn the other way.

I know, it's terrible and i shouldn't avoid him, but I don't want to accidentally snap at him again. I came to the decision this morning that I wasn't going to interact with him until I feel better, so he doesn't think I'm angry at him. I don't want to be angry around him.

I turn the other way to the bathrooms, but the bell rings before I reach them. I don't have the same first period as Jisung, so that's a relief.

I head to my class, not interacting with anyone. Usually, everyone is smiling and greeting me in the mornings. However today, I haven't gotten a single one of those. I'm thankful though, I think they know I'm in a bad mood.

I walk into my first period with no expression, and I walk back out with none either. The whole class was muggy, I didn't like it. To be honest though, I didn't pay attention the whole class.

I don't know whats wrong with me. This morning I woke up in a fit of rage, slamming everything and yelling. However now, I'm suddenly just numb. I felt sad an hour ago, but now I'm just.. bleh.

I don't know.

I start to walk to the bathrooms, to at least get a minute of silence. The bathrooms are soundproof, for whatever reason, so I love them when I need a minute for myself.

I enter the bathroom finally, and its empty. I love that it's empty. That doesn't last long though, I hear the heavy bathroom door open.

I turn to see who entered, who disturbed my one minute of peace. When I turn around, I see Jisung. He doesn't seem so happy though, he has tears in his eyes.

"Are- Are you avoiding me?" He asks, a shaky voice.

I have a blank face. "Wha-"

"Did I do something?" He asks, a tear falling down his cheek. "I'm sorry if I did something, I can't control it. I'm sorry, please don't avoid me."

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I open it again, then close it again. I look stupid, like I'm gasping for air. So many words bounce around my head, all things I can say to make this situation better.

I slowly take a step closer to him, maybe to hug him and tell him it's okay, but I just stop. Now I'm closer to him, and silent. I want to speak, I really do. But I can't, I can't bring the words to my mouth.

I'm silent. Why can't I just speak?
Why can't I tell him everything is okay?
Why can't I comfort him?
Why is it so hard?
Why am i this way?

-
BIG BIG BIG CREDIT TO @writingwhore ON TIKTOK FOR THIS CHAPTER. the poem on their page, "speak." is snipped into this chapter. THANK YOU!